I Don't Wanna Write This Down, I Wanna Tell You How I Feel Right Now

Lack of originality makes me feel old... not grey hairs...

That means I think people with grey hair should neither feel old nor that old people lack originality... it means; lack of originality makes ME feel old; grey hairs don’t...

If you keep up with this blog then you know at the end of the year i suggest a new year’s resolution... you might’ve read about last year being the best year of my life. You might also have come to the conclusion that as the days grow darker so do my innards.

So i... so i... so i spent this year mostly celebrating that fact...

Perhaps a bit too much...

I lost sight of who i am... well... no... that’s a lil dramatic, but the lights dimmed, the music got louder and the whiskey showered... in all the madness and the heavy bass and the fake lights and the sweat... inspiration and motivation evaporated... steam built up and let loose into thin air... wasted... i looked for it... but the lights were dim, b...

i looked for steam in a cloudy haze... such has been my ignorance, my idiocy... irony?!? CONFUSION

Whatever the case, this blog certainly suffered... and when my baby suffers, then..

 

On the superficial side of things im doing quite well; Goes hand in hand with the darkness, in’it!??

Im a homeowner now and am madly in love with it as well as my new city... my new home... more responsibility and bills but they’re welcomed... responsibility, at least.

Uh... uh... uh... uh... ummm...

Im descending, b!

Earlier this year i committed to a monthly monetary pledge to an organization i believe in. I haven’t told a single living soul about it until right now, well, technically, y'all don't live for me to see. (i did heavy research and the organization i choose to give to not only reflects my wishes but also provides enough proof of receiveing and giving that i am comfortable with) I realize i’m just throwing money at a problem and although the money is put forward towards a solution to our ills, there’s nothing i’m doing personally to help... (i applied. i went through three hours worth of interviews; a training session and a year of suspense and eventually got rejected because of something out of my hands that will take another year for me to rectify)... im a faceless cheque... so my innards are still dark...

I’ve lacked empathy... this year...

I feel for others, i swear! and still have that want, almost NEED to help everyone i love and to fix all their problems (which has been my curse at times) but this year i’ve resented myself for it... sometimes i didn’t feel like helping even as i was doing it, and trying hard while doing it... heartlessly... why it felt so hard... im ashamed of that... so i give money... so you see why... why... my innards are still dark...

I’m in the best shape of my life... on the outside... I noticed myself naked in the mirror the other day and realized i look better than i ever have before (don’t drool, ladies, it’s not saying much) and i’m proud of it and i’ve been working hard at it.... most of the time... BUT MY INNARDS ARE STILL DARK!!!

 

Be beautiful so i can reflect it... be bright so i can shine... love so i can feel loved... if you can’t do those things for me then do those things for someone else and watch... WATCH! Watch the difference! (and laugh at my pronounced and exaggeration of sentiment)

I NEED to create so here’s my selfish suggestion for a new year’s resolution: inspire me, b!

The Somnambulist

Escape... anxious, immediatelytorrentiallyanxious... as soon as the step falters over that slinky, slimy, serpentine smoke screen... critical audacity... urgent ignorance... urgent... imminent revelry...

Revel... welcome the outer entity to shift the mental gears and guide the physical mobile to wherever... to nowhere in particular as long as “there” isn’t where home is... where alone is... where authority is... anywhere but authority... anywhere but responsibility... anywhere but others... anywhere but empathy... anywhere but still shoes... anywhere but reality...

Limitless want... endless want... want no other way...

Somnambulism.

Inescapable... impossible freedom... no matter how far gone, reversion is unbreakable law... bendable, maybe, but unbreakable obstinately...

Thirst never dies... dying... trying... keeping... fighting prudence... never succumbing to conscientiousness... tenacious against progress...

No matter the number of times escape is arrested... ignorance will never stop its fight for liberation... THIS IGNORANCE WILL NEVER STOP ITS FIGHT FOR LIBERATION!

Amiss

I used to pride myself on being completely self involved as you might have noticed from some of my posts... or maybe not, i dunno. I didn’t give a shit about anyone outside of my immediate reach... or rather... my being outside of reach and keeping myself that way. My self-absorbed self wanted to be the one that was missed and meantime not caring for or not wanting to care for who might miss me...

there’s PAIN in that...

How selfish of me?!?

there’s a lot of pain in missing, isn’t there!?! Imagine if pain was missing... we wouldn’t miss pain but i bet happiness would be amiss...

I MISS YOU! I MISS YOU! I MISS YOU! YEAH YOU! YOU!

I FUCKING MISS YOU!

I’m missing the living shit out of damn near everybody. I’m feeling the opposite end... the end?? I’m feeling possible ends... i was always a bigger fan of rising action... conclusions never did it for me...

Never Do What They Do

Not that it hasn’t been around forever but lately “image” has been thrown right in my face more than usual. So obsessed with image... we are.

I was at a party recently and a girl said to me, “your beard is so perfect.” ... in a very condescending tone of voice... i was drunk and in a really happy, party mood so i just smiled, ignored and moved on. I couldn’t even tell if i was offended or not. An absolutely silly comment to be offended by but a tone that very much appealed to the “what’s your problem??” part of my brain, which fortunately was out shined by my merry, mirthful mood. (in such situations i find asking “why do you have to be so condescending?” very politely with a smile usually provides the offender optimal embarrassment and shame. After which they will stay out of your way or even better, suck up. Aren’t i a passive aggressive dick!??!). this girl was a complete stranger by the way...

So, needless to say it stuck with me for a few days and had me thinking of image... our image... my image... perceived image... projected image...

To her my beard might’ve been more attractive if i purposely messed it up as to make it look like i don’t care...  which... alkbvnpoehgnfvawnnpoendnvdlk...

Going out of your way and spending more thought and time into NOT LOOKING fake is much worse than just being fake... what happened to “be yourself!”?? seems like in an age where “being yourself” and individuality is encouraged  and championed more than ever we seem to be getting even further from it! People are TRYING TOO HARD to be different and original when it’s not something that should be labored at especially when you’re looking at others for what you want to be. Some people seem to be doing the exact opposite of what it is to be original to be original. Reminds me of the conforming of the non conformist goth kids in south park... JUST BE... JUST FUCKING BE, B!!!

I’m looking to move again and wanting out of my somewhat self imposed suburban trap. I’ve wanted to move to east van for years now as it’s the cultural hub of the lower mainland but i want to be part of a community of like minds as well... which i thought i would get there. After all my experiences and interactions i just find people there to be just as negative and snobbish as the yaletown yuppies... maybe even more! Definitely not a type of community i’d want to be a part of... Broke yuppies pretending to be rich vs. Rich hipsters pretending to be broke... sorry for the generalization and labelling as im sure both areas are peppered with genuine people but what are the chances ill be living next to some. All this has me leaning towards new west but i looked at a place in surrey that makes most practical sense financially and otherwise but it’s across a retirement home and i saw many old couples in the building on my visit.

Am i consciously trying to find a place most fitting my personal needs?? Or am i subconsciously letting image make my decision??

Suddenly living among retired immigrants doesn’t seem so bad.

A Reminder

You know my writing will reach my greatness... right???

between the years 2042 and 2057, i'll have written some of the greatest canadian written work.... might just be 1 book... but what more could i ever ask for???

just a reminder.

Just. 1.

Just 1... that's all it takes... just 1...

1 can be anything; 1 person... 1 moment... 1 event... 1 feeling... 1 epiphany... 1 song... 1 album...

1 album... it's called "i'm new here" by the late GREAT Gil Scot-Heron.

just 1... just 1 man... and just 1 album... just 1 listen brought forth the 1 deepest moment, event, feeling, epiphany in me. let me explain...

1 night i was over at 1 of my dearest friends' place and he shut the blinds... i plopped with a beer in my usual manner and usual spot; he hurried to his record player and handed me an album cover that demanded to be read before he even demanded me to do so... it read...

"There is a proper procedure for taking advantage of any investment.

Music, for example, Buying music is an investment.

To get the maximum you must

LISTEN TO IT FOR THE FIRST TIME UNDER OPTIMAL CONDITIONS.

Not in your car or on a portable player through your headset.

Take it home.

Get rid of all the distractions. (even her or him).

Turn off your cell phone.

Turn off everything that rings or beeps or rattles or whistles.

Make yourself comfortable.

Play your LP.

LISTEN all the way through.

Think about what you got.

Think about who would appreciate this investment.

Decide if there is someone to share this with.

Turn it on again.

Enjoy yourself.

Gil Scott-Heron

my friend knew i was the 1 that would appreciate this investment... he knew i was the someone to share this with...i knew of gil but had no idea what i was in store for... just 1 album... just 1 listen... just 1 friend... i was taken aback INSTANTLY because the 1st thing gil said was;

"I want to make this a special tribute to a family that contradicts the concepts

heard the rules but wouldn't accept

and women-folk raised me

and i was full grown before i knew

I came from a broken home.

i put the insert down... no time to read.... time to listen...

neither of us spoke a word the entire album through...

k, that might be a lie... i'm sure i was "oohhh" n "ahhh" ing as i listened as i usually do... but for the most part we both stared at the ceiling and hung on to EVERY SINGLE WORD AND NOTE that floated out of those speakers!

as soon as it was over we WHOLE HEARTED LY AGREED to start it right over; and manic praises of it from me and a "knowing... mission accomplished... i touched his soul through playing a record" smile from him in between the flip of the record ensued...

"i'm new here" has impacted my being to its very core! radiohead and outkast had already made albums that i FUCKING LOVE and have such a deep connection to that i never thought anyone or group of men could ever surpass... just 1 man... with just 1 album... changed just 1 me...

so late in his life this album was made, so late in his career i considered him my personal favorite, my 1! my friend and i revelled in "i'm new here" CONSTANTLY after that 1st and second listen... it became a staple and still is among us... we understand gil more so... i think... there must be others that love him like we do... but at the same time... THERE'S NO OTHERS THAT LOVE HIM LIKE WE DO...

upon listening and listening and listening and listening to him over and over and over and over again, I MADE UP MY MIND THAT I WOULD MEET THIS MAN IF IT WAS THE LAST THING I DID!!!

on may 27, 2011 i was at Sasquatch (music festival) sitting alone on tired grass, watching aloe blac perform "i need a dolla" when i received a text from my friend that GIL SCOTT-HERON died... i had just played gil for another dear friend on the drive up to sasquatch...

that's not a word of a lie! if you know the song and singer mentioned performing and for gil to have died then... or at least for that news to have reached me, through my friend, while observing him (aloe)... then...

i'm just 1.

to my friend, i quote our adopted father, gil scott-heron...

"if i hadn't been as eccentric; as obnoxious; as arrogant; as aggressive; as introspective; as selfish; i wouldn't be me; i wouldn't be who i am"

The Grass Is Always Bluer

Hot tub induced extra bodily heat... too many movies set in new york... lungs black with tobacco... stomach with a whiskey liner... gelling for a reluctant, one track mind, might, just MIGHT be where these thoughts for the night... sorry, morning might be coming from... forming...

i decided to finally write about new york. turns out... as usual... it's not gonna go down like i imagined...

this post might as well have been named "epiphanies" cuz i just damn near went through... 2 of them :p

i think i belong on my own... i think i belong in new york...

whims of a man dedicated to his first paragraph...

where was i??? well, that's all i've ever known and if i'm asking, i don't have a good idea... where i am or where i'll be, are much more perplexing quandaries... especially if "if you don't know where you're coming from you don't know where you're going" is true.

i was in love. i was in new york... interpret those two sentences however you may well please!

the confused need to read the rest of my work... or turn away... i've never been one to make sense to anyone but myself... thus my predicament...

as my life stretches across ignorant uniqueness; strange wilderness; somewhat uncommon urban weirdness and Indian boarding school in the mountains education; i've come to the conclusion that i am alone... at least in this realm... i am alone... i haven't given up on finding someone, per se, (did i just fucking say "per se"???) but i have accepted its potential impossibility... hhhhaaaaannnnhhhhh.... (payback for "per se")

which brings me to new york... NEW YORK CITY!!!

where i met my cousin from London, the prettiest, coolest woman i've ever gotten along with!!! we've met before, sorry for the miscommunication BUT we met in new york for a grand old time, which was had by both of us, together!

when i roamed and "lived" new york without her, on my own, is when i realized i didn't want to live in new york no matter how much i loved it. i felt anxious a lot. i felt HAPPY A LOT! i felt anxiety, did i mention that??? i felt claustrophobic. i felt strange. i felt alone. i felt like dancing. i felt like making out. i felt like making love... NOT fucking... i felt like making love. i felt free. i felt detached. i felt ecstatic. i felt ok, man...

the instant i thought of writing this is the moment i realized i WANT to live in new york BY MYSELF with all my heart!!! it's when i regretted for the first time ever that i don't have a universal skill or higher education that would put me in a position to live abroad... more specifically... new york... cuz when i went there i felt anxious, happy, claustrophobic, strange, alone, like dancing, like making out, like making love, free, detached and ecstatic... just like i feel here... but NEVER depressed like i do here... just ok, man... like only there...

one might say being in new york was cause of not being depressed but upon closer (drunker, so, openly wider... so stop being a pervert) inspection (of course) i've come to the realizaiton (or epiphany, if you will) that being COMPLETELY my OWN is what diffused said depression... so i think... so i feel... right NOW...

is there anywhere but here??? is here everywhere but here??? i need to stop enticing myself with so many movies based in new york to get a better idear... or traveller more... in'it, my dear???