Hot tub induced extra bodily heat... too many movies set in new york... lungs black with tobacco... stomach with a whiskey liner... gelling for a reluctant, one track mind, might, just MIGHT be where these thoughts for the night... sorry, morning might be coming from... forming...
i decided to finally write about new york. turns out... as usual... it's not gonna go down like i imagined...
this post might as well have been named "epiphanies" cuz i just damn near went through... 2 of them :p
i think i belong on my own... i think i belong in new york...
whims of a man dedicated to his first paragraph...
where was i??? well, that's all i've ever known and if i'm asking, i don't have a good idea... where i am or where i'll be, are much more perplexing quandaries... especially if "if you don't know where you're coming from you don't know where you're going" is true.
i was in love. i was in new york... interpret those two sentences however you may well please!
the confused need to read the rest of my work... or turn away... i've never been one to make sense to anyone but myself... thus my predicament...
as my life stretches across ignorant uniqueness; strange wilderness; somewhat uncommon urban weirdness and Indian boarding school in the mountains education; i've come to the conclusion that i am alone... at least in this realm... i am alone... i haven't given up on finding someone, per se, (did i just fucking say "per se"???) but i have accepted its potential impossibility... hhhhaaaaannnnhhhhh.... (payback for "per se")
which brings me to new york... NEW YORK CITY!!!
where i met my cousin from London, the prettiest, coolest woman i've ever gotten along with!!! we've met before, sorry for the miscommunication BUT we met in new york for a grand old time, which was had by both of us, together!
when i roamed and "lived" new york without her, on my own, is when i realized i didn't want to live in new york no matter how much i loved it. i felt anxious a lot. i felt HAPPY A LOT! i felt anxiety, did i mention that??? i felt claustrophobic. i felt strange. i felt alone. i felt like dancing. i felt like making out. i felt like making love... NOT fucking... i felt like making love. i felt free. i felt detached. i felt ecstatic. i felt ok, man...
the instant i thought of writing this is the moment i realized i WANT to live in new york BY MYSELF with all my heart!!! it's when i regretted for the first time ever that i don't have a universal skill or higher education that would put me in a position to live abroad... more specifically... new york... cuz when i went there i felt anxious, happy, claustrophobic, strange, alone, like dancing, like making out, like making love, free, detached and ecstatic... just like i feel here... but NEVER depressed like i do here... just ok, man... like only there...
one might say being in new york was cause of not being depressed but upon closer (drunker, so, openly wider... so stop being a pervert) inspection (of course) i've come to the realizaiton (or epiphany, if you will) that being COMPLETELY my OWN is what diffused said depression... so i think... so i feel... right NOW...
is there anywhere but here??? is here everywhere but here??? i need to stop enticing myself with so many movies based in new york to get a better idear... or traveller more... in'it, my dear???
A new start where people don't know us is always enticing. We are then free to be who we really think we want to be and there is no one there who can tell us to quit playin.
ReplyDeleteNo one who has seen us at our worst. No one who knows our weaknesses. No one who still thinks we are the same person we were in high school. That is very appealing.
If we could just live "there" we would be our witty, creative, fun loving selves. We would be ourselves but better. Hmmmmm.
You are looking for the change. Is it in New York? Maybe. Is it right here? Maybe. Get out of your comfort zone.