A Reminder

You know my writing will reach my greatness... right???

between the years 2042 and 2057, i'll have written some of the greatest canadian written work.... might just be 1 book... but what more could i ever ask for???

just a reminder.

Just. 1.

Just 1... that's all it takes... just 1...

1 can be anything; 1 person... 1 moment... 1 event... 1 feeling... 1 epiphany... 1 song... 1 album...

1 album... it's called "i'm new here" by the late GREAT Gil Scot-Heron.

just 1... just 1 man... and just 1 album... just 1 listen brought forth the 1 deepest moment, event, feeling, epiphany in me. let me explain...

1 night i was over at 1 of my dearest friends' place and he shut the blinds... i plopped with a beer in my usual manner and usual spot; he hurried to his record player and handed me an album cover that demanded to be read before he even demanded me to do so... it read...

"There is a proper procedure for taking advantage of any investment.

Music, for example, Buying music is an investment.

To get the maximum you must

LISTEN TO IT FOR THE FIRST TIME UNDER OPTIMAL CONDITIONS.

Not in your car or on a portable player through your headset.

Take it home.

Get rid of all the distractions. (even her or him).

Turn off your cell phone.

Turn off everything that rings or beeps or rattles or whistles.

Make yourself comfortable.

Play your LP.

LISTEN all the way through.

Think about what you got.

Think about who would appreciate this investment.

Decide if there is someone to share this with.

Turn it on again.

Enjoy yourself.

Gil Scott-Heron

my friend knew i was the 1 that would appreciate this investment... he knew i was the someone to share this with...i knew of gil but had no idea what i was in store for... just 1 album... just 1 listen... just 1 friend... i was taken aback INSTANTLY because the 1st thing gil said was;

"I want to make this a special tribute to a family that contradicts the concepts

heard the rules but wouldn't accept

and women-folk raised me

and i was full grown before i knew

I came from a broken home.

i put the insert down... no time to read.... time to listen...

neither of us spoke a word the entire album through...

k, that might be a lie... i'm sure i was "oohhh" n "ahhh" ing as i listened as i usually do... but for the most part we both stared at the ceiling and hung on to EVERY SINGLE WORD AND NOTE that floated out of those speakers!

as soon as it was over we WHOLE HEARTED LY AGREED to start it right over; and manic praises of it from me and a "knowing... mission accomplished... i touched his soul through playing a record" smile from him in between the flip of the record ensued...

"i'm new here" has impacted my being to its very core! radiohead and outkast had already made albums that i FUCKING LOVE and have such a deep connection to that i never thought anyone or group of men could ever surpass... just 1 man... with just 1 album... changed just 1 me...

so late in his life this album was made, so late in his career i considered him my personal favorite, my 1! my friend and i revelled in "i'm new here" CONSTANTLY after that 1st and second listen... it became a staple and still is among us... we understand gil more so... i think... there must be others that love him like we do... but at the same time... THERE'S NO OTHERS THAT LOVE HIM LIKE WE DO...

upon listening and listening and listening and listening to him over and over and over and over again, I MADE UP MY MIND THAT I WOULD MEET THIS MAN IF IT WAS THE LAST THING I DID!!!

on may 27, 2011 i was at Sasquatch (music festival) sitting alone on tired grass, watching aloe blac perform "i need a dolla" when i received a text from my friend that GIL SCOTT-HERON died... i had just played gil for another dear friend on the drive up to sasquatch...

that's not a word of a lie! if you know the song and singer mentioned performing and for gil to have died then... or at least for that news to have reached me, through my friend, while observing him (aloe)... then...

i'm just 1.

to my friend, i quote our adopted father, gil scott-heron...

"if i hadn't been as eccentric; as obnoxious; as arrogant; as aggressive; as introspective; as selfish; i wouldn't be me; i wouldn't be who i am"

The Grass Is Always Bluer

Hot tub induced extra bodily heat... too many movies set in new york... lungs black with tobacco... stomach with a whiskey liner... gelling for a reluctant, one track mind, might, just MIGHT be where these thoughts for the night... sorry, morning might be coming from... forming...

i decided to finally write about new york. turns out... as usual... it's not gonna go down like i imagined...

this post might as well have been named "epiphanies" cuz i just damn near went through... 2 of them :p

i think i belong on my own... i think i belong in new york...

whims of a man dedicated to his first paragraph...

where was i??? well, that's all i've ever known and if i'm asking, i don't have a good idea... where i am or where i'll be, are much more perplexing quandaries... especially if "if you don't know where you're coming from you don't know where you're going" is true.

i was in love. i was in new york... interpret those two sentences however you may well please!

the confused need to read the rest of my work... or turn away... i've never been one to make sense to anyone but myself... thus my predicament...

as my life stretches across ignorant uniqueness; strange wilderness; somewhat uncommon urban weirdness and Indian boarding school in the mountains education; i've come to the conclusion that i am alone... at least in this realm... i am alone... i haven't given up on finding someone, per se, (did i just fucking say "per se"???) but i have accepted its potential impossibility... hhhhaaaaannnnhhhhh.... (payback for "per se")

which brings me to new york... NEW YORK CITY!!!

where i met my cousin from London, the prettiest, coolest woman i've ever gotten along with!!! we've met before, sorry for the miscommunication BUT we met in new york for a grand old time, which was had by both of us, together!

when i roamed and "lived" new york without her, on my own, is when i realized i didn't want to live in new york no matter how much i loved it. i felt anxious a lot. i felt HAPPY A LOT! i felt anxiety, did i mention that??? i felt claustrophobic. i felt strange. i felt alone. i felt like dancing. i felt like making out. i felt like making love... NOT fucking... i felt like making love. i felt free. i felt detached. i felt ecstatic. i felt ok, man...

the instant i thought of writing this is the moment i realized i WANT to live in new york BY MYSELF with all my heart!!! it's when i regretted for the first time ever that i don't have a universal skill or higher education that would put me in a position to live abroad... more specifically... new york... cuz when i went there i felt anxious, happy, claustrophobic, strange, alone, like dancing, like making out, like making love, free, detached and ecstatic... just like i feel here... but NEVER depressed like i do here... just ok, man... like only there...

one might say being in new york was cause of not being depressed but upon closer (drunker, so, openly wider... so stop being a pervert) inspection (of course) i've come to the realizaiton (or epiphany, if you will) that being COMPLETELY my OWN is what diffused said depression... so i think... so i feel... right NOW...

is there anywhere but here??? is here everywhere but here??? i need to stop enticing myself with so many movies based in new york to get a better idear... or traveller more... in'it, my dear???

Metamucil

2011 has been my best year to date! FOR AS LONG AS I HAVE LIVED! THIS YEAR HAS BEEN MY BEST! no comparison! there's NOT EVEN A CLOSE SECOND... it hasn't been due to 2011 being the absolutely most extraordinarily, spectacular year in concerts... k, maybe just a bit :) it hasn't been my best due to short term memory... it hasn't been so due to a single great achievement... it hasn't been so due to a single great event... it hasn't been due to late year bliss. matter of fact, the ending hasn't been exactly dandy, or the beginning, or the middle of it, the year, i mean... for a fact of that same matter mentioned earlier. which brings... .me.

BEST year of my life!

i found happiness... i did... i DID... I did it!!!

it didn't last... but i KNOW what it is! i KNOW what it feels like! i KNOW to recognize it! i KNOW whether to check "true" or "false" when tested! I KNOW MY OWN TRUE HAPPINESS!!! (i'm gonna locate that lost bitch pretty fucking soon!)

this year i experienced extreme highs and lows... extreme to me... only as writing this post did i have this epiphany! (this is the exact point where the beauty of train of thought shines... i came back to this point after writing this post because what i had in mind took a sharp... right... here!)

my highs and lows of this year... are common. i'm common. i'm finally common!

my highs of this year are commonly shared by others as an annual high... if so fortunate... my lows of this year are commonly shared by others as an annual low... if so unfortunate. my highs have been so high to me because i haven't experienced them until now. to the common, they are... just... my lows have been so low to me because i haven't experienced them until now. to the common, they are... just... a part of OUR lives...

not to call my highs and lows of years past to be completely unique to me but i never felt them to be common... at least not common. knowledge. between my peers.

i faced common joyous events and experiences and left them feeling uncommonly ecstatic... i faced common devastating events and experiences and left them feeling uncommonly miserable... the delightful stands out MUCH MORE VIVIDLY... than the... what?!?!

IM REGULAR!!!

here's how i'm not...

i don't believe in peaks... i'm going... HIGH... HIGH... HIGH... HIGH... ER!!!

next year's resolution: focus on strength and weakness ceases

Devolution Part 2: Drive Slow, Homie

First off you're probably asking yourself where the first part of this series is... second off i'm guessing no one reads this blog enough to know or care if there's a first part... third off, it's in my drafts. i think i posted it awhile back but took it down rather hastily outta gutlessness... ironically it was about confidence... rather the seeming lack there of at times. when i post it is when you'll know my confidence kicked up a notch. but for now...

myopic. my view can be.

impatient. i am.

my impatience has always devolved my slow evolution. the second step back to my best foot forward. my right seems to wander till left behind. at times. it seems. seeming has been a catalyst to my impatience. it seems. the...

anxiety! THE FUCKING ANXIETY!

my obsessive one track mind.

catalysts.

catalysts of mental chaos. mental... thoughts go riotous in my brain when i fixate on potential terrors. fears. ABSOLUTE FEARS!

my persistent one track mind has its benefits like this post being written on a completely empty stomach and maybe three hours of sleep over the last couple of days if i'm lucky or generous... i made up my mind to write so i wrote.

i write my wrongs...

my persistent one track mind also has its downfalls... it drags me down... apathy seems not to be an option... even when desperately needed... can apathy be a desperate need??? this lack of competence in apathy causes superfluous mental chaos. this lack of patience for clearer, harmonious thoughts causes mental commotion... sometimes extreme turbulence. this lack of patience for clearer, harmonious, apathetic... apathetic seems the wrong word now... stolid! this lack of patience for clearer, harmonious, stolid thoughts hinder my relationships and their seemingly hopeful progression or seemingly hopeless digression. their evolution. their devolution. i devolve them. before they devolve me. i devolve myself. through impatience.

i fear the expected and impatiently bring it forth before its due time and make it worse than it might be... than it has to be...

it fucking has to be!!!

it has to be... right???

Hope Floats?

"HOPE", to me one of the most complex words i've encountered... i've encountered a lot. of words. of hope. a lot of hope. a lot of hopelessness.

the complexity of hope lies in its danger... yes... danger!

hope, to me is one of the most dangerous feelings (i feel i should add to the sentence but nothing comes to mind... other than "hope" or "hope to me is one of the most dangerous feelings") ... if not the most dangerous of all feelings (?) (sometimes it's best to leave a sentence as it is rather than hope for something better to add on) (sometimes that sentence is hopeless which is why i can't add or recognize the fact that i can't add... to it... to that hope... to hopelessness)

hope can make you fly so fucking high that it drowns you in itself... in hope

dangerous. see?

i hoped to write something hopeful but in turn, or hope if you will, i wrote something hopeless... as hope is... so indefintie... so unsure... so joyful... so painful... so this... so that... so maybe... so probably... so i wish so... so i wish not... so hopeful... so hope not... so what??? so what is this??? hopeful??? hopeless??? what's the diff???

hope is.

Time

Sometimes we're thrust into situations upon pure (un)luck... situations you might have thought about... situations you didn't think would actually occur... but then they do... it happened... to me... i didn't react ideally... i didn't react in the "heroic" way that i conjured up for my "heroic" self... slow... i was... what if those split seconds meant life or death??? what if my hesitation was the difference between someone living or someone dying??? what if it was someone i cared about??? would i have hesitated??? i REALLY FUCKING HOPE NOT!!! so is my hesitation towards someone i don't know JUSTIFIED somehow???

i did the right thing. i KNOW i did. everything is ok as far as i know...

somehow i don't feel an ease of mind... i'm not sleeping tonight...

as mentioned above... i'm not sleeping tonight... i originally ended this post almost exactly an hour earlier, about 6 minutes shy... i felt i should add... i had this moment... by myself... well, no, by music... but differently than usual... differently in setting... differently in mood... differently in feeling... i stumbled upon one of my favorite songs by one of my favorite artists sang differently... it made me think differently... it made me think...

we have these "moments" in our lives that in turn become everlasting memories, whether you want them to be or not... sometimes these "moments" are SOOOO BEAUTIFUL at others they are ABSOLUTELY HORRENDOUS! moments you don't want or you hope to never let go... moments you want to cherish and remember and just fucking cuddle close to your heart as your very own or moments you would give your left arm to have disappear. you know the other probably doesn't feel it as a moment to be treasured or incinerated... this moment might be (un)shared... so you're either clutching on to what feels like the 20 oz shining green emerald of your life while to the (you)other YOUR moment is just a dull silver dollar that spilled over from the loot, left for the deserving... or you're stuck with this horrible fucking memory, this vivid account of something so ugly you would give your last silver dollar for... that other might very well be in an ambulance or be yourself... but i digress...

the horrendous ones... the horrendous moments... they don't always start out that way... it took a horrendous moment for me to see other horrendous moments that used to be beautiful to me... beauty fades with time doesn't it??? funny how time manipulates things... manipulates feelings... manipulates us... time dictates who we are... what we become... what we will be... time is the true god, is it not???