Metamucil

2011 has been my best year to date! FOR AS LONG AS I HAVE LIVED! THIS YEAR HAS BEEN MY BEST! no comparison! there's NOT EVEN A CLOSE SECOND... it hasn't been due to 2011 being the absolutely most extraordinarily, spectacular year in concerts... k, maybe just a bit :) it hasn't been my best due to short term memory... it hasn't been so due to a single great achievement... it hasn't been so due to a single great event... it hasn't been due to late year bliss. matter of fact, the ending hasn't been exactly dandy, or the beginning, or the middle of it, the year, i mean... for a fact of that same matter mentioned earlier. which brings... .me.

BEST year of my life!

i found happiness... i did... i DID... I did it!!!

it didn't last... but i KNOW what it is! i KNOW what it feels like! i KNOW to recognize it! i KNOW whether to check "true" or "false" when tested! I KNOW MY OWN TRUE HAPPINESS!!! (i'm gonna locate that lost bitch pretty fucking soon!)

this year i experienced extreme highs and lows... extreme to me... only as writing this post did i have this epiphany! (this is the exact point where the beauty of train of thought shines... i came back to this point after writing this post because what i had in mind took a sharp... right... here!)

my highs and lows of this year... are common. i'm common. i'm finally common!

my highs of this year are commonly shared by others as an annual high... if so fortunate... my lows of this year are commonly shared by others as an annual low... if so unfortunate. my highs have been so high to me because i haven't experienced them until now. to the common, they are... just... my lows have been so low to me because i haven't experienced them until now. to the common, they are... just... a part of OUR lives...

not to call my highs and lows of years past to be completely unique to me but i never felt them to be common... at least not common. knowledge. between my peers.

i faced common joyous events and experiences and left them feeling uncommonly ecstatic... i faced common devastating events and experiences and left them feeling uncommonly miserable... the delightful stands out MUCH MORE VIVIDLY... than the... what?!?!

IM REGULAR!!!

here's how i'm not...

i don't believe in peaks... i'm going... HIGH... HIGH... HIGH... HIGH... ER!!!

next year's resolution: focus on strength and weakness ceases

Devolution Part 2: Drive Slow, Homie

First off you're probably asking yourself where the first part of this series is... second off i'm guessing no one reads this blog enough to know or care if there's a first part... third off, it's in my drafts. i think i posted it awhile back but took it down rather hastily outta gutlessness... ironically it was about confidence... rather the seeming lack there of at times. when i post it is when you'll know my confidence kicked up a notch. but for now...

myopic. my view can be.

impatient. i am.

my impatience has always devolved my slow evolution. the second step back to my best foot forward. my right seems to wander till left behind. at times. it seems. seeming has been a catalyst to my impatience. it seems. the...

anxiety! THE FUCKING ANXIETY!

my obsessive one track mind.

catalysts.

catalysts of mental chaos. mental... thoughts go riotous in my brain when i fixate on potential terrors. fears. ABSOLUTE FEARS!

my persistent one track mind has its benefits like this post being written on a completely empty stomach and maybe three hours of sleep over the last couple of days if i'm lucky or generous... i made up my mind to write so i wrote.

i write my wrongs...

my persistent one track mind also has its downfalls... it drags me down... apathy seems not to be an option... even when desperately needed... can apathy be a desperate need??? this lack of competence in apathy causes superfluous mental chaos. this lack of patience for clearer, harmonious thoughts causes mental commotion... sometimes extreme turbulence. this lack of patience for clearer, harmonious, apathetic... apathetic seems the wrong word now... stolid! this lack of patience for clearer, harmonious, stolid thoughts hinder my relationships and their seemingly hopeful progression or seemingly hopeless digression. their evolution. their devolution. i devolve them. before they devolve me. i devolve myself. through impatience.

i fear the expected and impatiently bring it forth before its due time and make it worse than it might be... than it has to be...

it fucking has to be!!!

it has to be... right???

Hope Floats?

"HOPE", to me one of the most complex words i've encountered... i've encountered a lot. of words. of hope. a lot of hope. a lot of hopelessness.

the complexity of hope lies in its danger... yes... danger!

hope, to me is one of the most dangerous feelings (i feel i should add to the sentence but nothing comes to mind... other than "hope" or "hope to me is one of the most dangerous feelings") ... if not the most dangerous of all feelings (?) (sometimes it's best to leave a sentence as it is rather than hope for something better to add on) (sometimes that sentence is hopeless which is why i can't add or recognize the fact that i can't add... to it... to that hope... to hopelessness)

hope can make you fly so fucking high that it drowns you in itself... in hope

dangerous. see?

i hoped to write something hopeful but in turn, or hope if you will, i wrote something hopeless... as hope is... so indefintie... so unsure... so joyful... so painful... so this... so that... so maybe... so probably... so i wish so... so i wish not... so hopeful... so hope not... so what??? so what is this??? hopeful??? hopeless??? what's the diff???

hope is.

Time

Sometimes we're thrust into situations upon pure (un)luck... situations you might have thought about... situations you didn't think would actually occur... but then they do... it happened... to me... i didn't react ideally... i didn't react in the "heroic" way that i conjured up for my "heroic" self... slow... i was... what if those split seconds meant life or death??? what if my hesitation was the difference between someone living or someone dying??? what if it was someone i cared about??? would i have hesitated??? i REALLY FUCKING HOPE NOT!!! so is my hesitation towards someone i don't know JUSTIFIED somehow???

i did the right thing. i KNOW i did. everything is ok as far as i know...

somehow i don't feel an ease of mind... i'm not sleeping tonight...

as mentioned above... i'm not sleeping tonight... i originally ended this post almost exactly an hour earlier, about 6 minutes shy... i felt i should add... i had this moment... by myself... well, no, by music... but differently than usual... differently in setting... differently in mood... differently in feeling... i stumbled upon one of my favorite songs by one of my favorite artists sang differently... it made me think differently... it made me think...

we have these "moments" in our lives that in turn become everlasting memories, whether you want them to be or not... sometimes these "moments" are SOOOO BEAUTIFUL at others they are ABSOLUTELY HORRENDOUS! moments you don't want or you hope to never let go... moments you want to cherish and remember and just fucking cuddle close to your heart as your very own or moments you would give your left arm to have disappear. you know the other probably doesn't feel it as a moment to be treasured or incinerated... this moment might be (un)shared... so you're either clutching on to what feels like the 20 oz shining green emerald of your life while to the (you)other YOUR moment is just a dull silver dollar that spilled over from the loot, left for the deserving... or you're stuck with this horrible fucking memory, this vivid account of something so ugly you would give your last silver dollar for... that other might very well be in an ambulance or be yourself... but i digress...

the horrendous ones... the horrendous moments... they don't always start out that way... it took a horrendous moment for me to see other horrendous moments that used to be beautiful to me... beauty fades with time doesn't it??? funny how time manipulates things... manipulates feelings... manipulates us... time dictates who we are... what we become... what we will be... time is the true god, is it not???

Got My Swagger Back

It's just a thought...

remember? you're welcome to read my very first post if you don't.

lately my posts have been a tad cynical, perhaps a bit pessimistic, even a shade grey if you will. i make no apologies for them and don't wish to retract anything and at the same time i hope they don't scare you... remember... it's just a thought.

few months ago i found out about the stats tab which gives you stats (duh!) about your blog. how many hits, from what countries etc. and i realized just before writing this and after checking them that the graph line plunges when my fingers rise off the keyboard. so i'll be writing more to feed my worldwide readership vanity. which stretches across the vast continents of north america, europe, asia and australia, i'll have you know... and thanks to google for the half dozen people that stumbled on here by mistake and thank those people for living very far from each other. nevertheless! the people want what they want and i shall deliver with a plethora of posts... but of course... it's just a thought.

so what's next? maybe my experience in new york... maybe that post on my most beloved women... maybe how this has been my best concert going year to date... maybe how this has been my best all around year to date... maybe i'll wait until the year ends for that... maybe i get crippling arthritis that stunts my ability to write before the year ends...

just a thought...

Everything Means Nothing To Me

One thing i've learned about myself is that there is not a single person in this entire universe that i can't live without... the coldness of that statement might contradict my personality, nevertheless i believe it to be true... there were 2 people i didn't think i couldn't be alive without... they're dead... i'm living... the coldness of that statement might contradict my belief of "living".

there are some people i figure i wouldn't have to live without... that contradicts the fact that there won't be others to take their place... they're living... i'm dead... the coldness of that statement might contradict your sense of "dead".

i sometimes, very selfishly, egotistically, think i might BE... SOMEONE... someone, that someone else can't live without (laughable isn't it?!!?)... i need to make amends.

caught up in what i might mean to someone else or SHOULD mean to someone else, in my eyes... i lose... i lose focus... i lose perspective... but then... in my eyes... I'M GOD! (i'm not kidding, in case you think i am, i assure you, my narcissism is not a joking matter... bitch!)

i ignore what someone might mean to me... there's not a person that means anything to me... a lie... there's no one i can't live without... an affirmation! a sad fact... a fact nevertheless... a fact less of hope as uncomfortably as can be ... just...

and as high as that less will allow me to rise... i feel obligated to care for those who care for me and obligate others to care for me... how ugly is that???

OBLIGATION.

obligation. to me is one of the ABSOLUTELY most hideous feelings we conjure. others conjure in us feelings of obligation... i conjure feelings of obligation in others, MOS DEF i fuckin do!.... but when THEY do it, i resent them...
















i'm just dead... dead for now... i'll resurrect... WATCH ME!

A Million Shades Of Grey

I love rain. simple as that... you're thinking i'm in the right city... i am. although the rain here isn't the rain i fell in love with initially... people complain about our currently horrible rainy summer... i've been basking in the grey-ry!

rain and warmth together are like Penelope Cruz, Natalie Portman and i talking about how great my taste in music is... over cocktails... Caesar without Tabasco for me, thanks.

a healthy child... running... jumping... unattended... wild... free... emphatic... joyous... dancing under the amber-grey dusted skies and hopping in the puddle swamped streets of Jallandhar, Punjab, India, was i... within that period, that space, that I. i developed, i enveloped a love for the monsoon season. i revelled under snug torrential showers. the perpetual rain. the perpetual warmth... funny how childhood experiences develop (un)healthy obsessions within us.

i love rain... in case you didn't read me properly... I LOVE RAIN!

laying in my landlord's hot tub staring at the sky up above swallowing the slightest hints of water not deserving to be called drops, falling upon me... from up there, somewhere up there... wet powder fell upon me. i decided to write while dewy dust dropped on me. dry steam raised up off me. limbs relaxed, absolutely. thoughts calmed me. those eternal thoughts of calm. that grey... everything grey. no moon. no stars. no clouds... just grey. no color... shades... shades of grey. a million shades of grey... no black. no white. grey... just grey. a million shades of grey.

I Was

I was going to write something... decided not to just as i thought i better...

k, here i go.

was. past.

the past is a funny thing. actually it depends on your past. mine's not so funny per se. funny moments? yes. funny past? no.

past is that pest that brings pestilence at best.

been bit by it.

always hurts, always lurks.

can't shake it. afraid of it.

what next? dare ask it?

past knows. future shows.

can i let go? NO!

the bite from the angered beast repletes.

the poisonous salt of mind repeats.

i am. what i was.

The Look Of Love

Size wise, the eyes, are such a small part of the body but in communicating with each other their significance is unmatched. babies and even dogs can express themselves with their eyes and understand what their communicator is trying to say to them.

they truly are windows into our souls.

i read something in a book earlier today which inspired this, it was just something about being in an ICU waiting room and the kinship between strangers there. it made me think of when i used to have to go to the chemo room every 2nd week and the people i shared that room with. first thing i remembered about these now faceless people was their eyes. our shared glances. our shared smiles... that always came AFTER eye contact. and so much was shared between us within those split second glances. SO MUCH. so much love. so much understanding. so much sorrow. so much pity. so much thankfulness. so much welcome... not only between us patients but also with friends and family who came along to comfort their loved ones... i was always the youngest and i was always alone (i never asked anyone to come) but those split second glances never discriminated by age or kith and kin or anything else for that matter.

and the nurses always had eyes full of joy and comfort, they left their home and family stressed eyes at the door of the chemo room and put on reassuring and nourishing eyes on for us. which was needed and we were grateful for them. (i've been holding a post on nurses back, i'll get on it eventually.)

my favorite eyes though, are the "come hither" eyes, the ones only a woman can give me. it is one of the greatest feelings to get those from someone special... or someone drunk and not so special too ;) ok so the latter might not be so special but still feels good. i've had girls that have seen me make those eyes and returned them with a smile and a kiss, i've had 1 or 2 even say, "not now, amman" which i would return with a smile and a shrug... or the lack of eye contact with someone who once bore the look of love.

my eyes have given me away too. 1 girl i used to work with always knew when i was sad even though i would be smiling... a false one that my eyes couldn't mask, not from her anyway. some people are a lot more intuitive of other peoples eyes and some much more expressive with them. i've been told my eyes are expressive, i wish i was more intuitive with them too. some people hide their eyes well.

love can feel so much heavier in the eyes than with words just as eyes heavy with hurt can't match the words explaining that hurt.

i hope to show invisible eyes through writing.

I've Never Known What's Good For Me

i don't like how i have the inability to let people close to me get close to me. the inability to keep people not close to me to remain that way.

i've been let down.

time after time. after time. after time.

something lets this continue. i. bare my soul. my heart. to people. that i know will not do the same. knowingly... i think... i know... i think... worse, they might know.

my friends that have always been there for me and stuck with me through thick and thin don't really know me... probably... i think... my fault... certainly... i don't let them in, let them in my secret world. i hide. from them. i hide. "they wouldn't get it anyway." they would pretend for my sake. to make me happy. for my sake. they would do anything to make me happy... so i ignore... i'm ignorant.

i wonder of someone without obligation. someone of want. almost need... it's what i want... i almost need.

3

i lost an aunt. due to cancer. again. but i'm tired of writing about cancer so i'll try something else.

this aunt, along with another and my mom and my dad along with their husbands were great friends, when i, my brother and their offspring were children. small bright eyed children. the ones you see blowing out candles, the ones dressed to impress (or to embarrass us in latter years), the ones with ear to ear smiles in those family pictures. Because that's what we were, extended family. our parents were immigrants and they somehow found each other, befriended each other. that was almost an eternity ago...

we were best friends as children as were our parents as adults. us children had our nucleus disintegrate, in one way or the other. our parents' friendships somewhat distanced and maybe diminished a little. their internal spousal conflicts definitely had a part. so our childhood friendships diminished and disintegrated along with their relationships.

of our 3 families, 2 have felt the ABSOLUTELY DEVASTATING loss of a parent. i, the fortunate one, have only felt distance to one of my parents. i mean fortunate in every sense of the word, their pain i could never understand or even begin to comprehend nor do i wish to, I'M TRULY SORRY!

all this made me think of how life and its inhabitants change and how relationships can be so apparently life lasting and then break away to strangeness. not real strangeness but that awkward strangeness, that distance, though the love remains... THE LOVE ALWAYS REMAINS... what hurts is that sometimes it takes tragedy to bring it forth.

i wonder how my own adult friendships will further evolve or dissolve. i hope they never dissolve.

RIP MR. SALH AND MS. SANGHA, my uncle and auntie neither will ever be forgotten.

It Is What It Is

You know how you feel like you deserve the best because you're a great person? deep, deep down inside you feel like you're good, so why not the best for you? you ask, why shouldn't i deserve the best? why should i not possess what i wish? not something outlandish, not something unreasonable, but something that is truly within your reach, something you should have because you are who you are, something you should have because it makes absolute sense. YOU FUCKIN DESERVE IT!!!

so why is this not yours? why is this not mine? why not?

it's not a car, it's not a mansion, it's not a career as a professional athlete, this is something that can be yours but isn't for some unforeseen reason, something mystical, only the stars know why.

so why is that not mine? why is that not yours? what's holding you and me back from that becoming ours? WE HAVE TO SACRIFICE...

how much? what if i feel like i've sacrificed all i can? this thing still isn't mine.

what if i was someone else? this thing would so easily be mine... so i imagine... why should i need to imagine myself as someone else? just to have it? i just want it.

i have friends much greater than i, AND THEY DON'T EVEN FEEL THEY DESERVE IT!

if i feel like i deserve it, then they most certainly do!

i wish is wasn't always it.

Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger

I'm 30! turned so almost a month ago. i haven't noticed any changes or anything, except for everyone asking me "how does it feel to be 30?" that question is new to me. so the only change in my life has been a general query on the minds of most people around me. this question is only annoying because of the attitude in which it usually presents itself. ok, i know i'm being snarky so let's just get on with it...



"GREAT!?" replied amman with a sense of confusion of its sincerity, which only felt perplexing due to the investigator's perceived response to his question. amman and the inquirer looked at each other dubiously, each wondering of the intention of their utterances. ok, amman's being snarky again so let's just get on with it...



seriously though, i do feel great. i'm in a better place than i have ever been in my life. that said, i'm not happy either perhaps somewhat content depending on your definition of content. but the melancholy, poverty and poor health of my terrible 20s pale in comparison to my present state of delusive exuberance. so the word "great" doesn't necessarily hold true to its definition either but rather to its relevance.



my late teens and early 20s were what i now refer to as the dark ages but coming into my mid 20s and moving onwards a very, very, VERY slow progression into an amman renaissance took place. some of which has been documented here along the way. i'm still amidst this renaissance, happily, and it has come a long way but i want to ride it much longer and further. this wave of the future.



HARDER BETTER FASTER STRONGER



i've been neglecting my blog, my baby, my heart and soul. the downside of not being on a personal down slide.



so in response to how i feel about being 30?









it's aight.

Faithless

faithless
i leave to fate, this
strangle hold
clutching me like a bracelet
i need to change the mould
with haste
like a face lift