just a thought

A Reminder

2012-02-26T05:07:00.002-08:00

You know my writing will reach my greatness... right???

between the years 2042 and 2057, i'll have written some of the greatest canadian written work.... might just be 1 book... but what more could i ever ask for???

just a reminder.

Just. 1.

2012-01-20T05:12:00.000-08:00

Just 1... that's all it takes... just 1...

1 can be anything; 1 person... 1 moment... 1 event... 1 feeling... 1 epiphany... 1 song... 1 album...

1 album... it's called "i'm new here" by the late GREAT Gil Scot-Heron.

just 1... just 1 man... and just 1 album... just 1 listen brought forth the 1 deepest moment, event, feeling, epiphany in me. let me explain...

1 night i was over at 1 of my dearest friends' place and he shut the blinds... i plopped with a beer in my usual manner and usual spot; he hurried to his record player and handed me an album cover that demanded to be read before he even demanded me to do so... it read...

"There is a proper procedure for taking advantage of any investment.

Music, for example, Buying music is an investment.

To get the maximum you must

LISTEN TO IT FOR THE FIRST TIME UNDER OPTIMAL CONDITIONS.

Not in your car or on a portable player through your headset.

Take it home.

Get rid of all the distractions. (even her or him).

Turn off your cell phone.

Turn off everything that rings or beeps or rattles or whistles.

Make yourself comfortable.

Play your LP.

LISTEN all the way through.

Think about what you got.

Think about who would appreciate this investment.

Decide if there is someone to share this with.

Turn it on again.

Enjoy yourself.

Gil Scott-Heron

my friend knew i was the 1 that would appreciate this investment... he knew i was the someone to share this with...i knew of gil but had no idea what i was in store for... just 1 album... just 1 listen... just 1 friend... i was taken aback INSTANTLY because the 1st thing gil said was;

"I want to make this a special tribute to a family that contradicts the concepts

heard the rules but wouldn't accept

and women-folk raised me

and i was full grown before i knew

I came from a broken home.

i put the insert down... no time to read.... time to listen...

neither of us spoke a word the entire album through...

k, that might be a lie... i'm sure i was "oohhh" n "ahhh" ing as i listened as i usually do... but for the most part we both stared at the ceiling and hung on to EVERY SINGLE WORD AND NOTE that floated out of those speakers!

as soon as it was over we WHOLE HEARTED LY AGREED to start it right over; and manic praises of it from me and a "knowing... mission accomplished... i touched his soul through playing a record" smile from him in between the flip of the record ensued...

"i'm new here" has impacted my being to its very core! radiohead and outkast had already made albums that i FUCKING LOVE and have such a deep connection to that i never thought anyone or group of men could ever surpass... just 1 man... with just 1 album... changed just 1 me...

so late in his life this album was made, so late in his career i considered him my personal favorite, my 1! my friend and i revelled in "i'm new here" CONSTANTLY after that 1st and second listen... it became a staple and still is among us... we understand gil more so... i think... there must be others that love him like we do... but at the same time... THERE'S NO OTHERS THAT LOVE HIM LIKE WE DO...

upon listening and listening and listening and listening to him over and over and over and over again, I MADE UP MY MIND THAT I WOULD MEET THIS MAN IF IT WAS THE LAST THING I DID!!!

on may 27, 2011 i was at Sasquatch (music festival) sitting alone on tired grass, watching aloe blac perform "i need a dolla" when i received a text from my friend that GIL SCOTT-HERON died... i had just played gil for another dear friend on the drive up to sasquatch...

that's not a word of a lie! if you know the song and singer mentioned performing and for gil to have died then... or at least for that news to have reached me, through my friend, while observing him (aloe)... then...

i'm just 1.

to my friend, i quote our adopted father, gil scott-heron...

"if i hadn't been as eccentric; as obnoxious; as arrogant; as aggressive; as introspective; as selfish; i wouldn't be me; i wouldn't be who i am"

The Grass Is Always Bluer

2012-01-08T04:49:00.000-08:00

Hot tub induced extra bodily heat... too many movies set in new york... lungs black with tobacco... stomach with a whiskey liner... gelling for a reluctant, one track mind, might, just MIGHT be where these thoughts for the night... sorry, morning might be coming from... forming...

i decided to finally write about new york. turns out... as usual... it's not gonna go down like i imagined...

this post might as well have been named "epiphanies" cuz i just damn near went through... 2 of them :p

i think i belong on my own... i think i belong in new york...

whims of a man dedicated to his first paragraph...

where was i??? well, that's all i've ever known and if i'm asking, i don't have a good idea... where i am or where i'll be, are much more perplexing quandaries... especially if "if you don't know where you're coming from you don't know where you're going" is true.

i was in love. i was in new york... interpret those two sentences however you may well please!

the confused need to read the rest of my work... or turn away... i've never been one to make sense to anyone but myself... thus my predicament...

as my life stretches across ignorant uniqueness; strange wilderness; somewhat uncommon urban weirdness and Indian boarding school in the mountains education; i've come to the conclusion that i am alone... at least in this realm... i am alone... i haven't given up on finding someone, per se, (did i just fucking say "per se"???) but i have accepted its potential impossibility... hhhhaaaaannnnhhhhh.... (payback for "per se")

which brings me to new york... NEW YORK CITY!!!

where i met my cousin from London, the prettiest, coolest woman i've ever gotten along with!!! we've met before, sorry for the miscommunication BUT we met in new york for a grand old time, which was had by both of us, together!

when i roamed and "lived" new york without her, on my own, is when i realized i didn't want to live in new york no matter how much i loved it. i felt anxious a lot. i felt HAPPY A LOT! i felt anxiety, did i mention that??? i felt claustrophobic. i felt strange. i felt alone. i felt like dancing. i felt like making out. i felt like making love... NOT fucking... i felt like making love. i felt free. i felt detached. i felt ecstatic. i felt ok, man...

the instant i thought of writing this is the moment i realized i WANT to live in new york BY MYSELF with all my heart!!! it's when i regretted for the first time ever that i don't have a universal skill or higher education that would put me in a position to live abroad... more specifically... new york... cuz when i went there i felt anxious, happy, claustrophobic, strange, alone, like dancing, like making out, like making love, free, detached and ecstatic... just like i feel here... but NEVER depressed like i do here... just ok, man... like only there...

one might say being in new york was cause of not being depressed but upon closer (drunker, so, openly wider... so stop being a pervert) inspection (of course) i've come to the realizaiton (or epiphany, if you will) that being COMPLETELY my OWN is what diffused said depression... so i think... so i feel... right NOW...

is there anywhere but here??? is here everywhere but here??? i need to stop enticing myself with so many movies based in new york to get a better idear... or traveller more... in'it, my dear???

Metamucil

2011-12-23T01:08:00.001-08:00

2011 has been my best year to date! FOR AS LONG AS I HAVE LIVED! THIS YEAR HAS BEEN MY BEST! no comparison! there's NOT EVEN A CLOSE SECOND... it hasn't been due to 2011 being the absolutely most extraordinarily, spectacular year in concerts... k, maybe just a bit :) it hasn't been my best due to short term memory... it hasn't been so due to a single great achievement... it hasn't been so due to a single great event... it hasn't been due to late year bliss. matter of fact, the ending hasn't been exactly dandy, or the beginning, or the middle of it, the year, i mean... for a fact of that same matter mentioned earlier. which brings... .me.

BEST year of my life!

i found happiness... i did... i DID... I did it!!!

it didn't last... but i KNOW what it is! i KNOW what it feels like! i KNOW to recognize it! i KNOW whether to check "true" or "false" when tested! I KNOW MY OWN TRUE HAPPINESS!!! (i'm gonna locate that lost bitch pretty fucking soon!)

this year i experienced extreme highs and lows... extreme to me... only as writing this post did i have this epiphany! (this is the exact point where the beauty of train of thought shines... i came back to this point after writing this post because what i had in mind took a sharp... right... here!)

my highs and lows of this year... are common. i'm common. i'm finally common!

my highs of this year are commonly shared by others as an annual high... if so fortunate... my lows of this year are commonly shared by others as an annual low... if so unfortunate. my highs have been so high to me because i haven't experienced them until now. to the common, they are... just... my lows have been so low to me because i haven't experienced them until now. to the common, they are... just... a part of OUR lives...

not to call my highs and lows of years past to be completely unique to me but i never felt them to be common... at least not common. knowledge. between my peers.

i faced common joyous events and experiences and left them feeling uncommonly ecstatic... i faced common devastating events and experiences and left them feeling uncommonly miserable... the delightful stands out MUCH MORE VIVIDLY... than the... what?!?!

IM REGULAR!!!

here's how i'm not...

i don't believe in peaks... i'm going... HIGH... HIGH... HIGH... HIGH... ER!!!

next year's resolution: focus on strength and weakness ceases

Devolution Part 2: Drive Slow, Homie

2011-12-19T07:03:00.000-08:00

First off you're probably asking yourself where the first part of this series is... second off i'm guessing no one reads this blog enough to know or care if there's a first part... third off, it's in my drafts. i think i posted it awhile back but took it down rather hastily outta gutlessness... ironically it was about confidence... rather the seeming lack there of at times. when i post it is when you'll know my confidence kicked up a notch. but for now...

myopic. my view can be.

impatient. i am.

my impatience has always devolved my slow evolution. the second step back to my best foot forward. my right seems to wander till left behind. at times. it seems. seeming has been a catalyst to my impatience. it seems. the...

anxiety! THE FUCKING ANXIETY!

my obsessive one track mind.

catalysts.

catalysts of mental chaos. mental... thoughts go riotous in my brain when i fixate on potential terrors. fears. ABSOLUTE FEARS!

my persistent one track mind has its benefits like this post being written on a completely empty stomach and maybe three hours of sleep over the last couple of days if i'm lucky or generous... i made up my mind to write so i wrote.

i write my wrongs...

my persistent one track mind also has its downfalls... it drags me down... apathy seems not to be an option... even when desperately needed... can apathy be a desperate need??? this lack of competence in apathy causes superfluous mental chaos. this lack of patience for clearer, harmonious thoughts causes mental commotion... sometimes extreme turbulence. this lack of patience for clearer, harmonious, apathetic... apathetic seems the wrong word now... stolid! this lack of patience for clearer, harmonious, stolid thoughts hinder my relationships and their seemingly hopeful progression or seemingly hopeless digression. their evolution. their devolution. i devolve them. before they devolve me. i devolve myself. through impatience.

i fear the expected and impatiently bring it forth before its due time and make it worse than it might be... than it has to be...

it fucking has to be!!!

it has to be... right???

Hope Floats?

2011-12-09T03:00:00.000-08:00

"HOPE", to me one of the most complex words i've encountered... i've encountered a lot. of words. of hope. a lot of hope. a lot of hopelessness.

the complexity of hope lies in its danger... yes... danger!

hope, to me is one of the most dangerous feelings (i feel i should add to the sentence but nothing comes to mind... other than "hope" or "hope to me is one of the most dangerous feelings") ... if not the most dangerous of all feelings (?) (sometimes it's best to leave a sentence as it is rather than hope for something better to add on) (sometimes that sentence is hopeless which is why i can't add or recognize the fact that i can't add... to it... to that hope... to hopelessness)

hope can make you fly so fucking high that it drowns you in itself... in hope

dangerous. see?

i hoped to write something hopeful but in turn, or hope if you will, i wrote something hopeless... as hope is... so indefintie... so unsure... so joyful... so painful... so this... so that... so maybe... so probably... so i wish so... so i wish not... so hopeful... so hope not... so what??? so what is this??? hopeful??? hopeless??? what's the diff???

hope is.

Time

2011-10-18T05:01:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we're thrust into situations upon pure (un)luck... situations you might have thought about... situations you didn't think would actually occur... but then they do... it happened... to me... i didn't react ideally... i didn't react in the "heroic" way that i conjured up for my "heroic" self... slow... i was... what if those split seconds meant life or death??? what if my hesitation was the difference between someone living or someone dying??? what if it was someone i cared about??? would i have hesitated??? i REALLY FUCKING HOPE NOT!!! so is my hesitation towards someone i don't know JUSTIFIED somehow???

i did the right thing. i KNOW i did. everything is ok as far as i know...

somehow i don't feel an ease of mind... i'm not sleeping tonight...

as mentioned above... i'm not sleeping tonight... i originally ended this post almost exactly an hour earlier, about 6 minutes shy... i felt i should add... i had this moment... by myself... well, no, by music... but differently than usual... differently in setting... differently in mood... differently in feeling... i stumbled upon one of my favorite songs by one of my favorite artists sang differently... it made me think differently... it made me think...

we have these "moments" in our lives that in turn become everlasting memories, whether you want them to be or not... sometimes these "moments" are SOOOO BEAUTIFUL at others they are ABSOLUTELY HORRENDOUS! moments you don't want or you hope to never let go... moments you want to cherish and remember and just fucking cuddle close to your heart as your very own or moments you would give your left arm to have disappear. you know the other probably doesn't feel it as a moment to be treasured or incinerated... this moment might be (un)shared... so you're either clutching on to what feels like the 20 oz shining green emerald of your life while to the (you)other YOUR moment is just a dull silver dollar that spilled over from the loot, left for the deserving... or you're stuck with this horrible fucking memory, this vivid account of something so ugly you would give your last silver dollar for... that other might very well be in an ambulance or be yourself... but i digress...

the horrendous ones... the horrendous moments... they don't always start out that way... it took a horrendous moment for me to see other horrendous moments that used to be beautiful to me... beauty fades with time doesn't it??? funny how time manipulates things... manipulates feelings... manipulates us... time dictates who we are... what we become... what we will be... time is the true god, is it not???

Got My Swagger Back

2011-10-03T03:37:00.000-07:00

It's just a thought...

remember? you're welcome to read my very first post if you don't.

lately my posts have been a tad cynical, perhaps a bit pessimistic, even a shade grey if you will. i make no apologies for them and don't wish to retract anything and at the same time i hope they don't scare you... remember... it's just a thought.

few months ago i found out about the stats tab which gives you stats (duh!) about your blog. how many hits, from what countries etc. and i realized just before writing this and after checking them that the graph line plunges when my fingers rise off the keyboard. so i'll be writing more to feed my worldwide readership vanity. which stretches across the vast continents of north america, europe, asia and australia, i'll have you know... and thanks to google for the half dozen people that stumbled on here by mistake and thank those people for living very far from each other. nevertheless! the people want what they want and i shall deliver with a plethora of posts... but of course... it's just a thought.

so what's next? maybe my experience in new york... maybe that post on my most beloved women... maybe how this has been my best concert going year to date... maybe how this has been my best all around year to date... maybe i'll wait until the year ends for that... maybe i get crippling arthritis that stunts my ability to write before the year ends...

just a thought...

Everything Means Nothing To Me

2011-08-12T05:36:00.000-07:00

One thing i've learned about myself is that there is not a single person in this entire universe that i can't live without... the coldness of that statement might contradict my personality, nevertheless i believe it to be true... there were 2 people i didn't think i couldn't be alive without... they're dead... i'm living... the coldness of that statement might contradict my belief of "living".

there are some people i figure i wouldn't have to live without... that contradicts the fact that there won't be others to take their place... they're living... i'm dead... the coldness of that statement might contradict your sense of "dead".

i sometimes, very selfishly, egotistically, think i might BE... SOMEONE... someone, that someone else can't live without (laughable isn't it?!!?)... i need to make amends.

caught up in what i might mean to someone else or SHOULD mean to someone else, in my eyes... i lose... i lose focus... i lose perspective... but then... in my eyes... I'M GOD! (i'm not kidding, in case you think i am, i assure you, my narcissism is not a joking matter... bitch!)

i ignore what someone might mean to me... there's not a person that means anything to me... a lie... there's no one i can't live without... an affirmation! a sad fact... a fact nevertheless... a fact less of hope as uncomfortably as can be ... just...

and as high as that less will allow me to rise... i feel obligated to care for those who care for me and obligate others to care for me... how ugly is that???

OBLIGATION.

obligation. to me is one of the ABSOLUTELY most hideous feelings we conjure. others conjure in us feelings of obligation... i conjure feelings of obligation in others, MOS DEF i fuckin do!.... but when THEY do it, i resent them...

i'm just dead... dead for now... i'll resurrect... WATCH ME!

A Million Shades Of Grey

2011-07-31T06:42:00.000-07:00

I love rain. simple as that... you're thinking i'm in the right city... i am. although the rain here isn't the rain i fell in love with initially... people complain about our currently horrible rainy summer... i've been basking in the grey-ry!

rain and warmth together are like Penelope Cruz, Natalie Portman and i talking about how great my taste in music is... over cocktails... Caesar without Tabasco for me, thanks.

a healthy child... running... jumping... unattended... wild... free... emphatic... joyous... dancing under the amber-grey dusted skies and hopping in the puddle swamped streets of Jallandhar, Punjab, India, was i... within that period, that space, that I. i developed, i enveloped a love for the monsoon season. i revelled under snug torrential showers. the perpetual rain. the perpetual warmth... funny how childhood experiences develop (un)healthy obsessions within us.

i love rain... in case you didn't read me properly... I LOVE RAIN!

laying in my landlord's hot tub staring at the sky up above swallowing the slightest hints of water not deserving to be called drops, falling upon me... from up there, somewhere up there... wet powder fell upon me. i decided to write while dewy dust dropped on me. dry steam raised up off me. limbs relaxed, absolutely. thoughts calmed me. those eternal thoughts of calm. that grey... everything grey. no moon. no stars. no clouds... just grey. no color... shades... shades of grey. a million shades of grey... no black. no white. grey... just grey. a million shades of grey.

I Was

2011-07-16T04:00:00.000-07:00

I was going to write something... decided not to just as i thought i better...

k, here i go.

was. past.

the past is a funny thing. actually it depends on your past. mine's not so funny per se. funny moments? yes. funny past? no.

past is that pest that brings pestilence at best.

been bit by it.

always hurts, always lurks.

can't shake it. afraid of it.

what next? dare ask it?

past knows. future shows.

can i let go? NO!

the bite from the angered beast repletes.

the poisonous salt of mind repeats.

i am. what i was.

The Look Of Love

2011-06-30T02:10:00.000-07:00

Size wise, the eyes, are such a small part of the body but in communicating with each other their significance is unmatched. babies and even dogs can express themselves with their eyes and understand what their communicator is trying to say to them.

they truly are windows into our souls.

i read something in a book earlier today which inspired this, it was just something about being in an ICU waiting room and the kinship between strangers there. it made me think of when i used to have to go to the chemo room every 2nd week and the people i shared that room with. first thing i remembered about these now faceless people was their eyes. our shared glances. our shared smiles... that always came AFTER eye contact. and so much was shared between us within those split second glances. SO MUCH. so much love. so much understanding. so much sorrow. so much pity. so much thankfulness. so much welcome... not only between us patients but also with friends and family who came along to comfort their loved ones... i was always the youngest and i was always alone (i never asked anyone to come) but those split second glances never discriminated by age or kith and kin or anything else for that matter.

and the nurses always had eyes full of joy and comfort, they left their home and family stressed eyes at the door of the chemo room and put on reassuring and nourishing eyes on for us. which was needed and we were grateful for them. (i've been holding a post on nurses back, i'll get on it eventually.)

my favorite eyes though, are the "come hither" eyes, the ones only a woman can give me. it is one of the greatest feelings to get those from someone special... or someone drunk and not so special too ;) ok so the latter might not be so special but still feels good. i've had girls that have seen me make those eyes and returned them with a smile and a kiss, i've had 1 or 2 even say, "not now, amman" which i would return with a smile and a shrug... or the lack of eye contact with someone who once bore the look of love.

my eyes have given me away too. 1 girl i used to work with always knew when i was sad even though i would be smiling... a false one that my eyes couldn't mask, not from her anyway. some people are a lot more intuitive of other peoples eyes and some much more expressive with them. i've been told my eyes are expressive, i wish i was more intuitive with them too. some people hide their eyes well.

love can feel so much heavier in the eyes than with words just as eyes heavy with hurt can't match the words explaining that hurt.

i hope to show invisible eyes through writing.

I've Never Known What's Good For Me

2011-06-23T07:22:00.000-07:00

i don't like how i have the inability to let people close to me get close to me. the inability to keep people not close to me to remain that way.

i've been let down.

time after time. after time. after time.

something lets this continue. i. bare my soul. my heart. to people. that i know will not do the same. knowingly... i think... i know... i think... worse, they might know.

my friends that have always been there for me and stuck with me through thick and thin don't really know me... probably... i think... my fault... certainly... i don't let them in, let them in my secret world. i hide. from them. i hide. "they wouldn't get it anyway." they would pretend for my sake. to make me happy. for my sake. they would do anything to make me happy... so i ignore... i'm ignorant.

i wonder of someone without obligation. someone of want. almost need... it's what i want... i almost need.

3

2011-06-20T01:53:00.000-07:00

i lost an aunt. due to cancer. again. but i'm tired of writing about cancer so i'll try something else.

this aunt, along with another and my mom and my dad along with their husbands were great friends, when i, my brother and their offspring were children. small bright eyed children. the ones you see blowing out candles, the ones dressed to impress (or to embarrass us in latter years), the ones with ear to ear smiles in those family pictures. Because that's what we were, extended family. our parents were immigrants and they somehow found each other, befriended each other. that was almost an eternity ago...

we were best friends as children as were our parents as adults. us children had our nucleus disintegrate, in one way or the other. our parents' friendships somewhat distanced and maybe diminished a little. their internal spousal conflicts definitely had a part. so our childhood friendships diminished and disintegrated along with their relationships.

of our 3 families, 2 have felt the ABSOLUTELY DEVASTATING loss of a parent. i, the fortunate one, have only felt distance to one of my parents. i mean fortunate in every sense of the word, their pain i could never understand or even begin to comprehend nor do i wish to, I'M TRULY SORRY!

all this made me think of how life and its inhabitants change and how relationships can be so apparently life lasting and then break away to strangeness. not real strangeness but that awkward strangeness, that distance, though the love remains... THE LOVE ALWAYS REMAINS... what hurts is that sometimes it takes tragedy to bring it forth.

i wonder how my own adult friendships will further evolve or dissolve. i hope they never dissolve.

RIP MR. SALH AND MS. SANGHA, my uncle and auntie neither will ever be forgotten.

It Is What It Is

2011-05-14T04:22:00.000-07:00

You know how you feel like you deserve the best because you're a great person? deep, deep down inside you feel like you're good, so why not the best for you? you ask, why shouldn't i deserve the best? why should i not possess what i wish? not something outlandish, not something unreasonable, but something that is truly within your reach, something you should have because you are who you are, something you should have because it makes absolute sense. YOU FUCKIN DESERVE IT!!!

so why is this not yours? why is this not mine? why not?

it's not a car, it's not a mansion, it's not a career as a professional athlete, this is something that can be yours but isn't for some unforeseen reason, something mystical, only the stars know why.

so why is that not mine? why is that not yours? what's holding you and me back from that becoming ours? WE HAVE TO SACRIFICE...

how much? what if i feel like i've sacrificed all i can? this thing still isn't mine.

what if i was someone else? this thing would so easily be mine... so i imagine... why should i need to imagine myself as someone else? just to have it? i just want it.

i have friends much greater than i, AND THEY DON'T EVEN FEEL THEY DESERVE IT!

if i feel like i deserve it, then they most certainly do!

i wish is wasn't always it.

Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger

2011-04-17T02:58:00.000-07:00

I'm 30! turned so almost a month ago. i haven't noticed any changes or anything, except for everyone asking me "how does it feel to be 30?" that question is new to me. so the only change in my life has been a general query on the minds of most people around me. this question is only annoying because of the attitude in which it usually presents itself. ok, i know i'm being snarky so let's just get on with it...

"GREAT!?" replied amman with a sense of confusion of its sincerity, which only felt perplexing due to the investigator's perceived response to his question. amman and the inquirer looked at each other dubiously, each wondering of the intention of their utterances. ok, amman's being snarky again so let's just get on with it...

seriously though, i do feel great. i'm in a better place than i have ever been in my life. that said, i'm not happy either perhaps somewhat content depending on your definition of content. but the melancholy, poverty and poor health of my terrible 20s pale in comparison to my present state of delusive exuberance. so the word "great" doesn't necessarily hold true to its definition either but rather to its relevance.

my late teens and early 20s were what i now refer to as the dark ages but coming into my mid 20s and moving onwards a very, very, VERY slow progression into an amman renaissance took place. some of which has been documented here along the way. i'm still amidst this renaissance, happily, and it has come a long way but i want to ride it much longer and further. this wave of the future.

HARDER BETTER FASTER STRONGER

i've been neglecting my blog, my baby, my heart and soul. the downside of not being on a personal down slide.

so in response to how i feel about being 30?

it's aight.

Faithless

2011-03-13T06:22:00.000-07:00

faithless
i leave to fate, this
strangle hold
clutching me like a bracelet
i need to change the mould
with haste
like a face lift

Eagle vs. Shark

2010-12-29T23:23:00.000-08:00

Anyone can be intelligent, not everyone can be smart. yet, i meet smart people everywhere and far too few intelligent ones. somehow so many i've met with great i.q's aren't very intelligent at all.

i'm not the smartest person i know, far from but i am intelligent. you need good genes to be smart for a start and you can obviously work at it but let's face it, the guy with two dimwits for parents will most likely not be the head of his class no matter how much he studies. all the information will not stick and some of it will be lost along the way. however this doesn't mean one should give up and throw in the towel, that would be unintelligent.

not being smart doesn't mean you're dumb, not exercising intelligence does. no one has a valid excuse to not utilize their intelligence. intelligence is what we all have inside us to transcend whatever situation we've been dealt with. intelligence is striving to become better. intelligence is a key ingredient of happiness. intelligence needs your entire being to progress. mind. body. soul.

soul. is the more simple of the three in my opinion but somehow the hardest to perfect. it's also a figment of our mind... to me. i know most people believe it to be its own entity, something weightless in themselves, perhaps closer in feel to their heart than to their mind.

intelligence touches that part of the brain where soul resides that all the smarts in the world can't. soul feeds intelligence and intelligence feeds soul. purity and selflessness feed both which brings on REAL happiness. TRUENESS. therefore ignorance is NOT bliss. intelligence is.

truth. unflinching. unbendable. impenetrable. glorious. happiness. transcendent. freedom. REAL.

conflicts whether inner or outer are unavoidable. exercising intelligence greatly minimizes the appearance and duration of these conflicts, which in turn minimizes the affect of them on yourself. being true to yourself gives you no choice but to be true to others. not an easy feat and very difficult to accomplish but it would be unintelligent not to give it a shot. i'm working hard at it and making very little progress but progress nonetheless.

i FEEL indestructibly unstoppable because i try to glide with grace on the clouds of intelligence. not because i've read a book. i'd rather fly with the angels than swim with the mermaids any day.

suggestion for new year's resolution: exercise intelligence

Rising Son

2010-12-06T22:04:00.000-08:00

I woke. I rose.

I decided i was going to walk to china 1 crisp and dewy, stark morning. the sun absent.

no backpack. no luggage. no baggage. no looking back. no half steps. no stumbling. no stops. no idea. no failure.

all thoughts, wants, needs, desires, goals combine to make; 1 mind. 1 body. 1 heart. 1 soul. 1 hunger. 1 horizon. 1 vision. 1 love. all combine to make 1 lumbering weight on two shoulders. all encompassed into 1 word.

i rise.

along my walk i have picked up beautiful baggage, i have looked back in disgust, i have stumbled foolishly, i have a better idea. NO FAILURE. NEVER FAILURE.

and still i rise.

i walk. i stare at the horizon. beaten but not beat. fatigued but not tired. the horizon never nears but the grave i woke from fades further and further away. that's the idea. china is not the oasis. china is the mirage. the walk is the oasis.

all thoughts, wants, needs, desires, goals combine to make; 1 omnipotent mind. 1 indestructible body. 1 enormous heart. 1 passionate soul. 1 unrelenting hunger. 1 illusion of a horizon. 1 stead fast vision. 1 enveloping love. all combine to 1 feather of a weight on two iron clad shoulders. all encompass to 1 word.

freedom.

Blog's New Year's Resolution

2010-11-13T04:33:00.000-08:00

Dates are out, b! i'm no longer going to pay attention to them when i'm posting. i used to pre-occupy myself with how often i post and i went from worrying about posting once a week to trying to get at least 1 in a month. i'm freeing myself from that thought. i'll just write when i write.

i've never been good with dates. every year i vow to remember my mom's birthday, it's never stuck. yes, i realize that is abominable. amman the abominable. i've never been good with telling time. five years ago may as well be three years ago maybe as well be six months ago. i don't know. the dates will stay on precisely so i know when i wrote it.... just for kicks...

i think i want to get all anarchy with this blog now. i don't know exactly what that means but i think i want to disregard as many rules as possible. including rules i've set for myself. you might or might not have noticed my love for short choppy sentences. there. will. be. more. of these. or will they? did i just make a rule for myself and then break it?

i'm different. this blog will represent that in however i can make it represent that. i'm going to confuse you. this will sometimes and other times not be on purpose.

this is a product of working graveyards leading to very awkward moments, more, others expressing themselves to me and me expressing myself to others in rather awkward ways, more, awkward sentences formed of words, much like this sentence, awkwardness would be the key word for the past 24 hours. i felt i absolutely had to write something to end it and this is the best i could come up with. on this hour of five in the a.m. on novermber the 13th of 2010.

this post may or may not be deleted in the near or distant future... just for kicks...

oh, i al.most

I Liked His Earlier Stuff Better

2010-11-09T02:05:00.001-08:00

It's been a year, can you believe it??? i can't! so much has happened since i started this blog and well, you know a lot about it. my journal for the masses! and by masses i mean lori :)

i started strong, didn't i? i was brimming with zeal and anticipation and anxiety, good anxiety. and of course having a brain over flowing with things to write about coupled with aforementioned anxiety, i spat those motherfuckers out like excess pork fat. you have no idea how much control it took me to take my time in posting. like a virgin, i was all rush, rush... think of baseball, think of baseball.

i really feel like fucking swearing a lot right now. happy fucks, not angry fucks. so here we fuckin go...

the fuckin sophomore slump, that's what they call it in the music biz. when you start strong and have nowhere to fuckin go but down for your second outing. i say fuck that! it only makes sense, when you start you have a lifetime of work ready to go after which you're just working with where you fuckin left off. which reminds me, i lost that story i was working on. how can something you spend time on and stare at with adoration disappear off the face of the earth right in front of your eyes??? the cyber world giveth and the cyber world taketh away. i was going to re-write the shit out of that thing anyway but damn did i have some fucking beautiful gems of sentences in there. you'll never know. moving on...

if i have to write about cancer this year, i'm going to be FUCKING PISSED!

if i don't get in at least a couple of more evolution pieces, i'm going to be FUCKING PISSED!

if i'm not able to crack a few smiles, i'm going to be FUCKING PISSED!

if i don't get deeper into my own head, i'm going to be FUCKING PISSED!

if anyone else dies on me, I'M GOING TO BE FUCKING PISSED!

in my own charlie brown; typing furiously; smiling incessantly; loving tremendously; heart on my sleeve; too amorous to be bitter; too jaded to be enthralled; overwhelmed; fuck it; peaceful ass way :)

you might wanna hide your cats though.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, BLOG!

I'M OUT! SING IT ELLIOTT!

Busy, Busy, Busy

2010-08-21T18:47:00.001-07:00

Man, i've been busier than i've ever have been in the past. not finding time to blog as much as i'd like to. hopefully this just means the quality of it kicks up a notch because the quantity is definitely lacking. i have some good ones in store that i'm waiting to unleash but i don't want to rush them. i'm never satisfied with my posts when i rush them, well i'm not satisfied when i don't rush them either but the satisfaction exceeds that of the rushed ones. you know what i'm sayin'.

so i've been working a hell of a lot more which is good but it comes with set backs like posting less and i've taken a pay cut to work the morning shift so i can still have a social life. those cheques get a lot smaller and the savings dwindle because i go out after work on an almost daily basis. it's summer though right? gotta enjoy it while it's here. i miss watching movies all the time but i get to read at work, in fact i don't even read at home anymore. so there's the pros and cons of work right now. boring, boring, boring, boring... moving on...

THE FUNDRAISER! now before we get all excited about that exclamation mark, let me clarify that the punctuation mark represents a little bitterness for me. the whole process has somewhat soured me from wanting to do it again next year. i didn't think it would be easy but it's definitely harder than i thought it would be. well, not harder either, more like frustrating and stressful. there's not much to it really, the hardest part, the only hard part is getting people on board. ya, i know, you thought that would be the easy part. IT'S NOT! stressing, stressing, stressing, stressing... can't move on...

of course, getting close friends to come and buy tickets is not the problem. it's when you're reaching for the other ones where this becomes tricky. you definitely have to hustle and convince and harass and sell and then hustle and convince and harass and sell. you get a lot of "ya, i'll come." but in no way is that a concrete "yes". that usually just means "leave me alone, if i have nothing better to do, i might come." i'm a pretty "happy go lucky", "go with the flow" type of guy so hustling, convincing, harassing and selling isn't really in my repertoire. one of my friends on the other hand isn't having much problem at all. the guy can seriously shoot the shit with the best of them. i was with him one day, stressed about selling tickets and he got on the phone and sold like 5 in 5 minutes. i don't have it in me to chase people and bother them. i was naive in thinking people would just call me and ask for tickets. only 1 person, YES 1 PERSON! called me without me having to call first, asking for tickets.... and that was just yesterday, after about a month of promoting. now i realize i'm being a baby considering the eventual good that is to come from all this but dammit, can't things just fall into my lap!?!?!? the air on this page is getting stuffy with grievance. annoying, annoying, annoying, annoying... moving on...

i'm going through major life changes at this point and embarking on scary experiences that i know not how to handle. i will stress, i will learn, i will evolve, i will write, i will de-stress. i will stress, i will learn, i will evolve, i will write, i will de-stress. evolving, evolving, evolving, evolving... let's move on...

The Barber Shop

2010-07-24T12:57:00.000-07:00

Us men, we have one person to brag about and endorse to others, our barber. women have their nail girls, their hair girls, their wax girls, their massage girls, their girly girly girls. we have barbers. our barber's are the best barbers in the world, ask any man that visits one. he wouldn't go to him, if he didn't think his barber was the best.

I remember going to the barber's with my dad when i was but a wee lad. this place in east van complete with that bottle thing that spins with blue, red and white stripes. i wonder what those are called, they fascinate me to this day. you don't see them too often anymore though.

I must've gone through a multitude of nameless barbers until i found Art on scott rd. art was old school. i would be shocked to find out he was still alive. he never used clippers, only scissors. that's an art in itself. the first time i went there was when my mom had to do some shopping and dropped me off for a cut while she shopped. thank god she left because art's coffee table was littered with PORN! and i'm not talking about playboy, i mean HARDCORE PORN! needless to say from then on i rode my bike for a half hour to get my fade and fix. i would hope for a wait on the way and once i got there, i would be totally nonchalant, give it a minute or two, act like i was so bored that i might as well take a look and pick up where i left off as discreet as can be. as discreet as a 12 year old boy ogling hardcore porn in a barber shop can be. there's a special relationship that takes place between every young boy and his first brush with porn. maybe not so much anymore, what with the internet and all. there's no excitement of the hunt and the eventual jackpot anymore. the kids these days don't know what they're missing, it's too easy for them, the thrill is gone. i digress, porn's a powerful agent of digression. art retired.

Now i was ready for the real thing, the lovely ladies of great clips. i learned women talk too much even when cutting hair. asking dumb questions, trying to sell me $20 bottles of shampoo and shit. peace out, bitches!

then came ali and jamaal, 2 brothers working out of a garage. probably the busiest barber shop for miles, these guys turned themselves into local celebrities and did quite well for themselves. ali moved to white rock and opened his own shop soon after, he being my go to guy, i stopped going there. jamaal too, recently opened his own full fledged barber shop on king george hwy.

My barber, vinny was a great guy working out of his car port. one of my friends discovered vinny because he lived down the street. vinny's make shift car port barber shop turned into a social hub for all the boys. my first experience of a barber shop part of a social scene (other than the one my dad went to but that social scene didn't exactly involve me). vinny was great except that he was a first class pot head and he usually insisted on smoking before cutting. he also loved his paan (an indian style chewing tobacco with spices and masala). your barber spitting in a bucket while cutting your hair doesn't exactly encourage your confidence in him. but he was a really nice guy, he'd even give me a ride home if there was no customers waiting. plus he would sing and if in the mood, he would invite you into his house to listen to him rock the tabla and sing old school hindi songs. and he gave me free haircuts in exchange for magazines i would get for free from my then place of employment, newsgroup. vinny was going to school to become a nurse. he did. end of another era.

finally, my current barber, bharat. bharat's not the best barber by any means. the best barber without a doubt is elmer, a vietnamese, soft spoken man. problem with elmer is he lives far (also working out of his garage), you have to make an appointment and he takes a full half hour but you come out looking like a million bucks. i'll go to him for my wedding or something special. right now it's all about convenience for me. bharat's basement barber shop is a 2 minute walk away. he's quick, he sings just as vinny did and it's also a neighborhood social hub but with the younger guys, a lot of my brother's friends go there.

for now, i'm satisfied with bharat. i'll save elmer for a hot date. this is my story and these are my barbers.

Friends, How Many of Us Have Them?

2010-06-08T05:45:00.000-07:00

DISCLAIMER: this post was not written with foul inspiration stemming from an event or person. it's simply a train of thought i've been carrying in my mind for a little while hence it's erratic flow. bare with it, please. it's thoroughly sincere.

One thing i've noticed over my 29 years on this planet is that all of us are more or less the same. we all need to eat and breathe, we all have things we fear and love. we all need each other in one way or another.

it's in the details where we can become vastly different from each other. our fingerprints, our dna, how we are raised, where we are raised and by whom. these things alter who we become and the variations of these outcomes are infinite.

if i were to clone a caucasian version of my baby self and plant him, let's say in russia, i would imagine my cloned self would be a much different version of me, but would still somehow be me. i wonder how my likes and dislikes, my habits and personality would be different and how they would be the same.

that being said, i wonder if my friends would be similar to the friends i have now. we choose our friends by common interests. all my close friends are freakin hilarious and most of them love music. in fact, i have friends that became so because of our similar tastes in music and with some of them i don't think i've ever even talked about anything else.

my whole life, without realizing it, while growing up, i've automatically been drawn towards the people that make me laugh and share a similar sense of humor with. i moved around a bit and when at a new school after the initial awkwardness and shyness i made friends by cracking them up. the ability to make people laugh has served me very well in my social encounters. (if only i could somehow transfer that to this blog. being funny and being able to write funny are two completely different things, the latter being much harder.) maybe a little too well. some days when i don't want to laugh or make someone laugh, i get a lot of "what's wrong?" "something bothering you?" those questions are really what bother me. anyway, i'm losing my focus again.

i love my friends, no question, but sometimes i think if i stayed in vancouver and grew up there, would my friends really be much different from the ones i have now? i know we all like to think we're unique, but are we really? as great as my friends are, there's probably a guy just like "mike" in vancouver, in any given neighborhood. there's probably a "me" somewhere in brazil blogging bout his friends right now. only the minor details in personality are different right? maybe the other mike likes something this mike doesn't but the mike's all over are pretty much the same. are we really that lucky to have the friends we have, like we think we are?

did i just cheapen the value of friendship?
a lil bit, a lil bit. sorry for febreezing away that essence of friendship we all hold dear.

time, i think is the biggest factor in friendship or any relationship for that matter. either time spent with or time spent apart. i have friends from as far back as elementary school. i like to think i'm loyal but really i probably just have abandonment issues. which is why i think i don't like to lose touch with people. with time we realize the ones that are going to stay around. i have some friends now that have been my friends forever and are so just because of that fact. sometimes i feel if i were to meet some of them now at this point in my life, i wouldn't dislike them but i wouldn't think we would become as close of friends as we are now. so are we close friends then?

i have friends i seldom see anymore. with some, when we finally meet, we don't miss a beat. it's as if nothing's changed, we're on point with each other like tip and phife. and at the same time there's others that remind you why you don't see them that much anymore and why that fact is no longer bothersome.

the time together is why russian mike is unique from my mike. there's a reason why i want mike to come to the concert with me, to read what i read, to watch what i watched, to listen to what i listen to, to not read what i write.

you might feel, after reading this that i have no respect for friendship. you're wrong. i love my friends more than family. i chose them.

experiences shared is what makes our friends unique.

The Sun's Trap

2010-05-17T09:53:00.000-07:00

First off, i'd like to apologize for not writing more often. the sun is directly to blame. i'm sure i've mentioned before that i write more often in the darker seasons. once the sun starts to come out for some reason i'm not as inspired. i love the sun and although it enlightens my life and spirit, it doesn't enlighten my thoughts much. i'm usually left with a false sense of euphoria. i'm a little more happy-go-lucky than usual, which in a way forces my brain to be a little more lethargic. and isn't that what happiness really is? slowing the brain down. sweeping the clutter under the rug. eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. "i think i'm dumb, maybe just happy" - kurt cobain

i've been blogging more often than i even thought i would be able to... up to about a month ago. this is has a lot to do with the fall and winter seasons. in hindsight i can see there was no way this blog would've started in spring or summer. there's something about the dark that keeps me thinking. lying in bed is when i come up with my best stuff but more often than not i'll be too lazy to get out of my warm blanket to get all the thoughts down. somewhat of an insomniac, i've written damn near whole stories and posts in my head trying to sleep. of course, this is completely counter productive towards my goals of sleeping AND writing. the faster the brain ball rolls, the further my slumber runs away.

often walks home from the bar or a friends house, with a buzz, the wind strong against my face and the occasional rain pour, start to strike strong clear thoughts and ideas within. a lot of times, i'm offered rides and my friends are perplexed to why i would walk when i can get a ride, well now you know. a lot of these posts are products of those walks. as soon as i get home i rush for my notebook or laptop.

this also explains my deep love for vancouver. lord knows, we get an abundance of rainy days and few sunny ones. but when it's here doesn't it make it that much more BRIGHTER!

the sun's bugging me right now and is holding me back from continuing further. so i'm just going free my fingers from my keyboard's cathartic grip and just enjoy the sun for what it is, the easiest, natural form of escape.