It's Evolution, Baby! Part 2: The Lottery

I was told i had cancer.

one day i came home after work and my mom asked why there was a huge bulge sticking out of my neck. i had no reply because i was oblivious to it. i went to the walk-in. they told me to go to the emergency. emergency took blood and said they would only call if something was wrong. i never received a phone call. my family doctor thought it was a cyst. she sent me to a specialist. he put tubes up my nose and down my throat. i had to have a biopsy. i was on the gurney waiting to be cut open. i quickly took a peek at the clipboard on the foot of my gurney. "probable hodgkins". i had surgery. i woke up much later in a room with a nurse. she was very friendly. i was very happy due to the drugs. i asked her what hodgkins was. i already knew it was a type of cancer. she ignored the question, she looked towards her feet almost instantly, her face changed from a smile to a sombre expression. she changed the subject, she offered me apple juice. i took it. right then and there i confirmed my very strong suspicion of cancer.

i had an appointment with the guy who cut my neck open for the results. i knew i had cancer. he told me i had cancer. even though i figured out for myself that i had cancer, i was unbelievably shocked and mortified. i walked. i cried during that walk. i thought i was going to die.

from the moment of the first observation of the tumor by my mom till the confirmation of cancer, almost 3 weeks had past. within this time, in fact, my first guess was cancer. for almost 3 weeks i figured i was going to die of cancer. i knew it. i was almost glad. goodbye cruel world. when it was officially confirmed, everything changed within an instant. i don't want to die. i'm going to die. the gosal family helped me beyond measure. they were the first to know because the doctor's office was close to their house. i would sleep there for the next 3 days. my cousin told me of their grandmother who was diagnosed with cancer at her age, somewhere in her 70s - 80s and she beat it. i was surely better equipped physically than her to beat it. my cousin told me to look it up on the net. i could care less. fuck it.

i would meet my oncologist a couple of weeks later. he told me it was like winning a lottery. it appeared just because. genetics is the only thing to link it to. i have not met one person who doesn't know someone else effected by cancer. he told me my cancer had a 90 something percent success rate. i was a little bummed about that. the cancer by now had been fully spread, full blown throughout my lymph nodes. i had a bone marrow biopsy because that was where the cancer would go next to spread further. this would mean that 90 something percent would decline by a huge number. it didn't.

i made amends with it. i was somewhat content. i did a bit over 6 months of chemotherapy. i did a month of radiation. i did some serious time on the couch. i felt like shit a lot more than i ever felt ok. my hair thinned considerably. i eventually went bald. i had constant canker sores. i had pins and needles in my fingertips for the entire 6 months of chemo. my taste buds were shot. everything tasted like cardboard for 7 months. food was disgusting, even pizza. i never had energy. i felt sick all the time. i slept a lot.

i still went out every now and then. people cried for me. people told me they loved me. people didn't know what to do or say. people deteriorated in front of me. people noticed me. i told people i was fine. that was not a lie. i comforted people. i accepted people.

i didn't go through a life changing spiritual awakening. i didn't change much at all. i grew more compassionate. i grew more attentive. i grew aloof. i grew my hair back. i grew.

at that time in my life i didn't feel i won the lottery. i do now.