It's Evolution, Baby! Part 4: The Ocean

My friend ricky died. this is the first time i've mentioned his passing using the verb "die". it feels out of place, it feels non-existent, it feels utterly depressing, it feels like anguish, it represents how i feel.

he was about the most honest and true person i ever met. i met him in grade 6 at richardson elementary, he lived down the street from me. ricky and i would become great friends. our friendship took turns away and towards each other, the last turn was towards. you'll read the complete story come august.

ricky told me he had cancer. i didn't cry, the future was bright, months past... HE BEAT IT!... so we thought... it came back and spread faster and further than before. ricky gave me the details, crying was no longer avoidable. of course, i hid this from him but i cried. i cried endlessly it seemed. especially after reading the last message i got from him. it was a morbid message. not the words, but the vibe was very "un-ricky", it was as if to say, "i'm not here much longer". he said things like, "i'm going to live life to the fullest", "there's nothing they can do". enough to let me know what i feared most was around the corner. he never talked like this before. the tears came almost instantly after reading that message. it's burned into my memory, all the booze and drugs in the world can't erase it. it ate away at my heart slowly like a caterpillar on a leaf. tiny bites awaiting the finish of the meal. dare i say, get it over with.

it was over with.

i was woken up by a phone call to tell me the morning after the fact. it was sooner than i could've imagined. the word "imagine" seems out of place.

"don't drink", i've heard this voice before. i drank. a little bit, over a of lot of hours. i was bludgeoned with reminders of how not to deal. i took the blows as advice rather than threats and it worked out. i hung out with friends that didn't know rick that well except for a mutual best friend. we casually and slowly drank. we went to the beach upon my request. i found a place of solace and contemplation. my friends talked and laughed and had a good time around me. i was distant but grateful for the company as they were for mine.

i stared at the waves, at the ships and boats, at the clouds, at the sun, at the logs, at the sand, at the kids, at the people, at the colours, at my shoes, at myself through glossy eyes. all the while listening to that blessed busker with his harmonica and guitar cooing the most heavenly, heartfelt bluegrass i've ever heard (my condition might've exaggerated this)... i was at peace.

at peace, i felt at peace. it was the most peaceful day of my entire life. there was anger but it wasn't misplaced, it was in place. it faded, it had no choice but to do so. i took my last brush with anger as a reminder to let it fade, let it go. it left, sadness stayed without anger by its side. peace. peace ensued. peace will forever stay me, i will forever stay peace. peace is all i want. peace is all i'll get.

peace.

that's evolution, baby!