My grandfather passed away. (you'll learn more about him in about a couple of weeks. february will be dedicated to him.) surely by now you realize that i loved no one more than my grandparents. they were my heart and soul. they did more for me in becoming a human being in 3 years than anyone else has in my lifetime. i'm sure being at an impressionable age has something to do with it but there's a lot more to it. not to take anything away from my mother but our relationship was and is very different. i'm secretive with her and keep her at a distance. i don't know why, it's just comfortable for me this way but not for her. my father was never really around.
i wasn't sure how i was feeling. he was old and i knew it was coming but that didn't make a difference. i started listening to radiohead. their music usually helps me think things through a little better. i find it to be very soothing and calming. i made a couple of phone calls to some friends, actually i think i might've texted them. that day was mostly a blur but i'll never forget it. it will forever live in infamy in my conscience as a reminder of how not to deal.
i was sitting there with my laptop listening away when the sharpest, thinnest sword pierced my chest ever so slowly as thom so softly sang, "in a little while i'll be gone, the moment's already passed, yeah, it's gone, i'm not here, this isn't happening". they're BOTH GONE! i listened to it repeatedly letting it sink in. already one of my favourite songs, that day "how to disappear completely" took a whole new meaning.
"don't drink, don't drink, don't drink" ran through my mind for about 15 minutes before i realized i was walking to the liquor store in the middle of the day. i was able to wait till i got home to crack that mickey of vodka but i downed it in less than an hour. i sank into this weird state of melancholic, alcohol infused euphoria. i was smiling but the sadness was turning into rage in my mind. i could feel the violence brewing in my head. i was trying to suppress it and i did for a little while but i didn't stop drinking. the violence came out, so i'm told by friends. they didn't hold back in telling me what a sorry display it was. i burned bridges with damn near everyone. they forgave me of course but with contempt. i came home broke things, threw things, punched things. scared the living shit out of the people that love me the most. i have a scar down my middle finger on my right hand which is a constant physical reminder of how not to deal.
it was shameful to say the least. i wish i wasn't there, i wish it never happened.
"The moment's already passed".
ReplyDeleteWe don't get back time do we? Even if we try to halt time with alcohol we can't go back. We can't get our loved ones back. We can't take back the things we say and do when in a drunken haze. We can't undo. We can just do better.
The moment's already passed.