Metamucil

2011 has been my best year to date! FOR AS LONG AS I HAVE LIVED! THIS YEAR HAS BEEN MY BEST! no comparison! there's NOT EVEN A CLOSE SECOND... it hasn't been due to 2011 being the absolutely most extraordinarily, spectacular year in concerts... k, maybe just a bit :) it hasn't been my best due to short term memory... it hasn't been so due to a single great achievement... it hasn't been so due to a single great event... it hasn't been due to late year bliss. matter of fact, the ending hasn't been exactly dandy, or the beginning, or the middle of it, the year, i mean... for a fact of that same matter mentioned earlier. which brings... .me.

BEST year of my life!

i found happiness... i did... i DID... I did it!!!

it didn't last... but i KNOW what it is! i KNOW what it feels like! i KNOW to recognize it! i KNOW whether to check "true" or "false" when tested! I KNOW MY OWN TRUE HAPPINESS!!! (i'm gonna locate that lost bitch pretty fucking soon!)

this year i experienced extreme highs and lows... extreme to me... only as writing this post did i have this epiphany! (this is the exact point where the beauty of train of thought shines... i came back to this point after writing this post because what i had in mind took a sharp... right... here!)

my highs and lows of this year... are common. i'm common. i'm finally common!

my highs of this year are commonly shared by others as an annual high... if so fortunate... my lows of this year are commonly shared by others as an annual low... if so unfortunate. my highs have been so high to me because i haven't experienced them until now. to the common, they are... just... my lows have been so low to me because i haven't experienced them until now. to the common, they are... just... a part of OUR lives...

not to call my highs and lows of years past to be completely unique to me but i never felt them to be common... at least not common. knowledge. between my peers.

i faced common joyous events and experiences and left them feeling uncommonly ecstatic... i faced common devastating events and experiences and left them feeling uncommonly miserable... the delightful stands out MUCH MORE VIVIDLY... than the... what?!?!

IM REGULAR!!!

here's how i'm not...

i don't believe in peaks... i'm going... HIGH... HIGH... HIGH... HIGH... ER!!!

next year's resolution: focus on strength and weakness ceases

Devolution Part 2: Drive Slow, Homie

First off you're probably asking yourself where the first part of this series is... second off i'm guessing no one reads this blog enough to know or care if there's a first part... third off, it's in my drafts. i think i posted it awhile back but took it down rather hastily outta gutlessness... ironically it was about confidence... rather the seeming lack there of at times. when i post it is when you'll know my confidence kicked up a notch. but for now...

myopic. my view can be.

impatient. i am.

my impatience has always devolved my slow evolution. the second step back to my best foot forward. my right seems to wander till left behind. at times. it seems. seeming has been a catalyst to my impatience. it seems. the...

anxiety! THE FUCKING ANXIETY!

my obsessive one track mind.

catalysts.

catalysts of mental chaos. mental... thoughts go riotous in my brain when i fixate on potential terrors. fears. ABSOLUTE FEARS!

my persistent one track mind has its benefits like this post being written on a completely empty stomach and maybe three hours of sleep over the last couple of days if i'm lucky or generous... i made up my mind to write so i wrote.

i write my wrongs...

my persistent one track mind also has its downfalls... it drags me down... apathy seems not to be an option... even when desperately needed... can apathy be a desperate need??? this lack of competence in apathy causes superfluous mental chaos. this lack of patience for clearer, harmonious thoughts causes mental commotion... sometimes extreme turbulence. this lack of patience for clearer, harmonious, apathetic... apathetic seems the wrong word now... stolid! this lack of patience for clearer, harmonious, stolid thoughts hinder my relationships and their seemingly hopeful progression or seemingly hopeless digression. their evolution. their devolution. i devolve them. before they devolve me. i devolve myself. through impatience.

i fear the expected and impatiently bring it forth before its due time and make it worse than it might be... than it has to be...

it fucking has to be!!!

it has to be... right???

Hope Floats?

"HOPE", to me one of the most complex words i've encountered... i've encountered a lot. of words. of hope. a lot of hope. a lot of hopelessness.

the complexity of hope lies in its danger... yes... danger!

hope, to me is one of the most dangerous feelings (i feel i should add to the sentence but nothing comes to mind... other than "hope" or "hope to me is one of the most dangerous feelings") ... if not the most dangerous of all feelings (?) (sometimes it's best to leave a sentence as it is rather than hope for something better to add on) (sometimes that sentence is hopeless which is why i can't add or recognize the fact that i can't add... to it... to that hope... to hopelessness)

hope can make you fly so fucking high that it drowns you in itself... in hope

dangerous. see?

i hoped to write something hopeful but in turn, or hope if you will, i wrote something hopeless... as hope is... so indefintie... so unsure... so joyful... so painful... so this... so that... so maybe... so probably... so i wish so... so i wish not... so hopeful... so hope not... so what??? so what is this??? hopeful??? hopeless??? what's the diff???

hope is.