Time

Sometimes we're thrust into situations upon pure (un)luck... situations you might have thought about... situations you didn't think would actually occur... but then they do... it happened... to me... i didn't react ideally... i didn't react in the "heroic" way that i conjured up for my "heroic" self... slow... i was... what if those split seconds meant life or death??? what if my hesitation was the difference between someone living or someone dying??? what if it was someone i cared about??? would i have hesitated??? i REALLY FUCKING HOPE NOT!!! so is my hesitation towards someone i don't know JUSTIFIED somehow???

i did the right thing. i KNOW i did. everything is ok as far as i know...

somehow i don't feel an ease of mind... i'm not sleeping tonight...

as mentioned above... i'm not sleeping tonight... i originally ended this post almost exactly an hour earlier, about 6 minutes shy... i felt i should add... i had this moment... by myself... well, no, by music... but differently than usual... differently in setting... differently in mood... differently in feeling... i stumbled upon one of my favorite songs by one of my favorite artists sang differently... it made me think differently... it made me think...

we have these "moments" in our lives that in turn become everlasting memories, whether you want them to be or not... sometimes these "moments" are SOOOO BEAUTIFUL at others they are ABSOLUTELY HORRENDOUS! moments you don't want or you hope to never let go... moments you want to cherish and remember and just fucking cuddle close to your heart as your very own or moments you would give your left arm to have disappear. you know the other probably doesn't feel it as a moment to be treasured or incinerated... this moment might be (un)shared... so you're either clutching on to what feels like the 20 oz shining green emerald of your life while to the (you)other YOUR moment is just a dull silver dollar that spilled over from the loot, left for the deserving... or you're stuck with this horrible fucking memory, this vivid account of something so ugly you would give your last silver dollar for... that other might very well be in an ambulance or be yourself... but i digress...

the horrendous ones... the horrendous moments... they don't always start out that way... it took a horrendous moment for me to see other horrendous moments that used to be beautiful to me... beauty fades with time doesn't it??? funny how time manipulates things... manipulates feelings... manipulates us... time dictates who we are... what we become... what we will be... time is the true god, is it not???