Time

Sometimes we're thrust into situations upon pure (un)luck... situations you might have thought about... situations you didn't think would actually occur... but then they do... it happened... to me... i didn't react ideally... i didn't react in the "heroic" way that i conjured up for my "heroic" self... slow... i was... what if those split seconds meant life or death??? what if my hesitation was the difference between someone living or someone dying??? what if it was someone i cared about??? would i have hesitated??? i REALLY FUCKING HOPE NOT!!! so is my hesitation towards someone i don't know JUSTIFIED somehow???

i did the right thing. i KNOW i did. everything is ok as far as i know...

somehow i don't feel an ease of mind... i'm not sleeping tonight...

as mentioned above... i'm not sleeping tonight... i originally ended this post almost exactly an hour earlier, about 6 minutes shy... i felt i should add... i had this moment... by myself... well, no, by music... but differently than usual... differently in setting... differently in mood... differently in feeling... i stumbled upon one of my favorite songs by one of my favorite artists sang differently... it made me think differently... it made me think...

we have these "moments" in our lives that in turn become everlasting memories, whether you want them to be or not... sometimes these "moments" are SOOOO BEAUTIFUL at others they are ABSOLUTELY HORRENDOUS! moments you don't want or you hope to never let go... moments you want to cherish and remember and just fucking cuddle close to your heart as your very own or moments you would give your left arm to have disappear. you know the other probably doesn't feel it as a moment to be treasured or incinerated... this moment might be (un)shared... so you're either clutching on to what feels like the 20 oz shining green emerald of your life while to the (you)other YOUR moment is just a dull silver dollar that spilled over from the loot, left for the deserving... or you're stuck with this horrible fucking memory, this vivid account of something so ugly you would give your last silver dollar for... that other might very well be in an ambulance or be yourself... but i digress...

the horrendous ones... the horrendous moments... they don't always start out that way... it took a horrendous moment for me to see other horrendous moments that used to be beautiful to me... beauty fades with time doesn't it??? funny how time manipulates things... manipulates feelings... manipulates us... time dictates who we are... what we become... what we will be... time is the true god, is it not???

Got My Swagger Back

It's just a thought...

remember? you're welcome to read my very first post if you don't.

lately my posts have been a tad cynical, perhaps a bit pessimistic, even a shade grey if you will. i make no apologies for them and don't wish to retract anything and at the same time i hope they don't scare you... remember... it's just a thought.

few months ago i found out about the stats tab which gives you stats (duh!) about your blog. how many hits, from what countries etc. and i realized just before writing this and after checking them that the graph line plunges when my fingers rise off the keyboard. so i'll be writing more to feed my worldwide readership vanity. which stretches across the vast continents of north america, europe, asia and australia, i'll have you know... and thanks to google for the half dozen people that stumbled on here by mistake and thank those people for living very far from each other. nevertheless! the people want what they want and i shall deliver with a plethora of posts... but of course... it's just a thought.

so what's next? maybe my experience in new york... maybe that post on my most beloved women... maybe how this has been my best concert going year to date... maybe how this has been my best all around year to date... maybe i'll wait until the year ends for that... maybe i get crippling arthritis that stunts my ability to write before the year ends...

just a thought...