Brainstorm

Of these boisterous winds
That carry me like wings
Across plains, I dream

Frantically across the range
With a calm so strange
That puts me at un-ease with ease

Lack of vision makes the journey excited
Lack of wisdom makes the journey un-guided
And no particular destination

Makes it one of neglect and obsession

this is my favourite piece of work, not because of what it is, but because of what it represents.

years ago i was in a hole, at the bottom of it. sitting at the floor of this well i picked up a napkin and a pen. i wanted to write like my grandpa, i wanted to write like tupac, i wanted to write like kurt, i wanted to write like anthony, i wanted to write like billy, i wanted to write like thom. (i didn't have the mental capacity to want to write like andre yet.) i wanted to write. i wanted to have something i wrote make a difference to someone else, just like all of them did for me. i was working security, which meant sitting in parking lots for hours. so ya, i picked up a napkin, i picked up a pen. i wrote.

i used to write a little here and there for kicks. i used to write really lame raps, those raps turned into something a little bit more substantial in my notebook. this is before the hole. it was camp, the fad disappeared.

but those men, that job, that hole made me find that napkin, made me find that pen. i wanted to write something substantial now.

i wrote. it was shitty. i was trying to climb out the hole. my pen and paper turned into stepping stones. my climb exposed light, my feet felt a little lighter. i wrote more crap. i wrote some more crap. same old shit, same old shit, it all sucked.

then one night i lay in bed, words swarming around me, buzzing. i grabbed my notebook, just wanting to write. knowing it's gonna suck. not knowing what to write. what to write? what to write? what to write? i need to write...

IT HIT ME, write about wanting to write!

i wrote "brainstorm" in seconds! minutes would do that thought more justice. it happened so fast but i'm sure not as fast as it felt! despite time, it was sooooo easy, sooooooo natural, soooooo perfect, soooooooo like i wanted it be!

immediately after writing it, i knew this is all i want. this feeling of self accomplishment, this feeling of self validation, this feeling of self produced euphoria. self. me. this is what i want to do. i want to do this over and over and over and over...

i was already writing not realizing it was what i loved to do. after that blessed moment of writing and reading what i wrote, i knew it! i impressed myself! i got HIGH off it! i didn't believe it! did i just make that up? did i just write that? did that come from me? did i just write something deeply mine? at the same time could this be completely different to someone else? i smiled, like i've never smiled. i wanted that feeling again....

i've been chasing that feeling ever since....